These past few months... - 20/11/2021

*sigh* I need to vent, these past few months has been rough emotionally and mentally. Since mid September, things in my head have just started to go down hill. October was a total let down, so underwhelming, so much hype for such a poor outcome, I didn't even dress for Halloween. My emotions and feelings  have been fluctuating but progressively getting worse... I have a day or two, or a few hours, of happiness or relaxation, then it all just fizzles away again.  I just wish I could feel okay. 

Now I am here in November, feeling like shit. There is no hope for me, no future, and if there is then its probably filled with suffering without end. I don't want to lose my friends, I'm scared that when we finish sixth form/ college, I'll never see them again. I've wasted years of my time sitting on my butt all day and hiding in my room. I don't go out much, I'd like to go out more, but I feel like my friends don't really like going out with me, maybe I'm too much? I think I'm loud, and an outcast within a group of outcasts... I've never fitted in with any of my friend groups that I've ever had. 

Not even music is enough. Music was the one thing I could rely on to make me feel better, now even this is not working. Music might as well have been my drug, but I've abused it to the point that it now has no effect, just like when people used to say the same plain insult to me to the point where it was meaningless. Music was my addiction, my coping mechanism, but it seems to lack effect... I don't understand. 

I have had a few good times with my dad though, lately. We had a death metal night a few weeks ago, then had a classics night (stuff like Motorhead, Slayer, Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death, Pantera etc), that was fun. I've been bonding with him more lately, because Mum has been working at this new place and she's not home in the evenings (which I like). I feel like I have a better relationship with my dad than I do with my mum and I feel awful about it. 

Those good times were short lived, as overwhelming feelings of I don't even know how describe it. I haven't felt these feelings since years 7-10 (I would've been 11-14), back when bullying was at its worse, but I'm not being bullied now? These feelings, I used to think it was caused by the bullying, but now they've come back. Why can't anything I bury stay in its grave? I wanted to forget for a reason, I blocked things out because they hurt, I don't want these feelings. Why must they come back to haunt me, and exist without explanation? Why do I feel this way? And why can't I describe what it is that I'm feeling? It hurts, it stings, I want to cry, but not even crying lets it all out. I want to die. I'm not doing so well. Life seems not worth my time. I'm not worth the time. I struggle to even bring myself to get out of bed for god's sake! 

These feelings have never been this bad, never before have they been to the point where I feel almost unable to get up. I don't want to go back to sleep because I'm tired, its because I don't want to wake up. I'm not tired because I need sleep, I'm tired because I'm still alive. I should go see a doctor. But I don't want it to be like where almost every week I'd be down there like when I had that stupid foot problem. And going to the doctors is nerve wracking. I think there's something wrong with me, but I don't know what. I don't think its cyclothymia (basically a weaker version of bipolar) or seasonal depression. I think its something else, and its been allowed to grow like a weed. Maybe its beginning to get out of hand. But what if they say nothing's wrong? I need help, I think, but what if they don't? Ugh, I'm so tired of all of this. I just wish it would all end, I wish it would just go away.