Max's New Favorite Toy

Hello, law-abiding citizens and shady street weirdos. We’ve finally done it—after years of using a typewriter that once caught fire when I tried to feed it Stinky's meatballs and shoelace spaghetti, Sam and I have upgraded the Freelance Police office with a brand new computer! Sam says it’s “for work purposes,” but I think we both know it’s for WAY more important things, like feeding Jeff Bezos' bank account.

It’s got everything: a keyboard that doesn't drool jizz with each press, a mouse that doesn’t bite back, and most importantly, internet access. Though sometimes, it turns off, presumably because of when we kicked The Internets ass. Now, Sam is using it for boring stuff like "research" and "investigations," but I immediately set up my own account to do what any reasonable person would do: stalk our neighbors.

And boy, let me tell you, the stuff I’m finding out about the people on our street? Juicy. That lady from the apartment across? Orders 20 gallons of mayonnaise every week. The guy with the fancy sports car? Runs a secret-not-so-secret cult. The pigeons on the fire escape? They’ve been using our window as a target for years, soon planning to drop real nukes instead of the mini bombs they place.

Sam says I should stop “violating privacy laws” and “using my allotted 1 hour of computer time to commit crimes,” but hey, every other cop in the world is corrupt, why can't I be?

Anyway, I’m off to make more burner accounts to join some “neighborhood watch” groups. And by the way, if you live anywhere within a mile of our office… I see you.

Watch your back,

Max