wonder

Sometimes i just wonder, im so alone and the thoughs start filling my mind, until i cant find myself anymore.

My thoughs, i hate them so much, i hate how i just cant express them, i dont like my mind, full of words, mumbles that i cant understand, i dont like the way it plays with me, making me so melancholic everyday, so i just wonder.

I wonder, the meaning of the "I love you" that i hear almost everyday, with a kiss in the forehead of my mom, with a gentle smile from my girlfriend, with a tigh hug from my dad, from the kind hands of my bestfriend, but i cant feel it, i cant feel, anything, anymore.

Because, an "I love you" came from the same woman that hitted me, cursing me with her touch, her presence, from the man shouting at me, telling i was nothing but a waste of time, a usseless child, from the same girl that i overhelmed, the same girl that left me alone just because she feeled like she needed to, even if she knew how my heart ached for her voice, her touch, her gentle smile, her deep eyes, light body, dark hair.

I hate when they they talk, "I love you" they say, without holding my soul, without carresing my body, without kissing my scars, without glancing at my eyes, without their soul, without their heart, only words, as empty as me.

But my heart, he never learned how to hold, he just sits there, all empty in my soul, wondering, just wondering, and he aches, so much, of the gentle embrace of a mother, of the warm feeling of the womb, he just stares, he stays in silence, he stays in hunger, wondering, just wondering, how an i love you should really feel? he wonders, as he cry, in confussion.

And he would wait, wait forever, for a something, a something to hold, a something to satisfy his hunger, something to love, to ache for, a feeling of warmess, her braid shining in the sunshine, tears like pearls rolling down her face as she laughs, the soft skin trembling in the night, the red falling down like a river, he couldn't help but love her, even if he know how bad she hurts.