College Rambles #2

Its me, ya girl, back at it again writing online to myself basically lmao

a few things, I guess:

1) Homesickness.

I dont really get home sick? I mean, its not even been a full month yet, but I havent found myself missing home. I miss my little brother though, and with my sister out all the time, and my Parents and that situation being, well, that, I feel terrible just leaving him there. He's got no one with him-- like, technically he does-- and he knows he can call me and talk to me but its really not the same. So, yeah. The only homesickness I feel is that I wish I was able to support my brother; something I cant really do to any meaningful degree while im away (not for lack of trying- we call sometimes- not the point).

2) Sad Loner Loser Syndrome.

Since basically forever Ive defaulted to being sad, alone, and objectively a loser. so the goal is to Not Do That. Being sad, being lonely, and being a loser is a very comfortable state for me and that freaks me out juuuuuust a little. Heck, I only made friends in high school because of a string of coincidences (long story; im not getting into it but just take my word for it lmao). And every once in a while I find myself wanting to or leaning back into that Sad-Loner-Loser thing. 

And, apparently, ignoring friendship attempts / curling in on myself seems to be my default state. So in order to be any sort of functional in that regard I have to keep myself in check all the time.

Oh, and basically, Im forcing myself to go to club meetings lol. Ive been making serious progress I think. I make an effort to sort of make myself known, since thats also a problem Ive had (turns out, im extremely forgettable, even in instances where I thought I was super memorable- thats another rant for another day). 

I attended the open rehearsal for my school's Improv Team(? or group- im not sure lol). Cus that type of stuff is exactly the stuff that, beneath all of my weird self consciousness and anxiety, Ive always really wanted to do, or at least try. It was a lot of fun, and I think I froze up a few times (and i definitely am not the best at improv), but everyone was super nice and really encouraging. They have auditions tomorrow, so Im probably going to make myself go and try out. Its scary and I need more of that. 

!!!!! Im also going to audition for a medieval performance thing- Im trying to keep things somewhat vague cus Internet Safety or something lmao. But Im really excited that I am able to start trying things that Ive been trying to muster up the courage to do for actual years. I have always wanted to be involved in some sort of performance thing and Im finally taking some (albeit small) steps towards doing that.

Yup. thats my life, thank you so much for spending time with me! I hope you enjoyed it, cus I know I did ✨✨✨

Lol, later