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juni / june / juniper
then i was a DJ in nightclubs
now I'm trying to strike a balance
I write songs at the piano
and I'm trying to find a way to bring
the dance styles i love to spin
to songs with verbose lyrics
about religion and mental illness
using an MPC and as much
executive function
as my broken little brain will allow
nostalgic for an internet that was never good
trying to use the splinterweb ✨mindfully✨:
for shitposting and scrolling
monthly photo dumps to update friends (priv acc)
and daily photo dumps to my nearest and dearest
(2nd tier priv w 20 followers)
but haven't figured out a workflow for it yet
of music and poems I've written
I'd like to add lists of things I like there too
I logged in today (17/09/24)
after three years offline
I posted some bad poems n stuff back then
I would like to say I'll log in daily
and spend some time writing about something
I write a lot in my paper journal
and I think it would do me good to write
in a place that though nobody will likely read it
someone might read it
a not quite audience
a panopticongregation
I have lots going on in my life
I'm dealing with fatigue from long COVID
and the ramifications of receiving a long list
of neurodevelopmental and mental health diagnoses
in my late 20s and early 30s
i spent three months in a psych ward recently
after a suicide attempt and two more while there
as part of recovering from that
I've started volunteering as a mechanic
at a heritage steam railway
i'm a recovering sober drug addict
eight years off benzodiazapines
between three and five years off various uppers
nearly three years no weed
six months today no booze no poppers
I recently discovered the joys
of british minor league baseball
and liberal judaism
after a long and complicated journey
to allow myself to pursue both
worship and sport
which each caused me such agony
in my formative years
cooking brings me so much joy
and though I can't code
I like hearing about my friends' projects
I can't afford therapy
so I'm trying to do DBT and schema work
out of self-help books
to an uncertain level of avail
I've got a few surreal stories
from weird (bad) jobs I've had
and weird (good) people I've known
I'm learning toki pona
I think it's very cool that three of my favourite artforms
popular music, t4t community, and sadomasochistic sex
are being taken seriously by academia
becoming more recognised as sites of knowledge production
which can teach us about life more broadly as other art does
my fetish for spreadsheets and listmaking
grows only more perverse as I age
one of my partners and I are trying
to learn toki pona
I'd like to learn german
get better at french
go to eastern europe
I am deeply in love with my chosen family
and the term community feels inadequate
we are a tribe
one of my partners pointed out
that in a lot of social groups
the default action is to tease each other
"here, steve kissed a boy last night"
"shut up"
and we are so blessed that in our family
the default state is listening and simply being
"is there anything I can do for you to help you
feel what you're feeling a little better right now?"
I'd like to learn to write in different ways
stories that are not songs
thoughts that are not blog posts
I'm sure there must be some thoughts in these thoughts
this is not a blog post in and of itself
but I'll paste this 'about me' into a blog post
for posterity before I inevitably update it
in some time
once I've looked back at it and smiled
(◕ω◕✿)
t4t4t4t4ever
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