gay shame

i am really embarrassed by being gay honestly. not in the way you may think - i'm not afraid of being seen as gay (the th0ngs & necklaces should make that obvious) but i am very scared of talking to men and expressing interest and even afraid of other gay men and how they might judge me. i've always felt as if i didn't belong anywhere and when i was younger it was easy to think it was because of being gay, but even among others like me that distance persists. i am not at all like those gays who hate on anything colorful if u know what i mean, i don't go around telling people what to wear, etc. i don't care. it's not that making me feel alone, it's something internal. 

but flirting with a man, putting myself on the line - those are out of the question. even responding to a man who shows interest first is tricky because i know how quickly they change their mind so you can't rely on them even after they come up to YOU.

it's an okay time to be gay, it's a bad time to be me.