the chicken from outer space (incoherent rambling)

this sucks a lot!!!!! i want to be better, i really do, and i'm trying my hardest every day to not explode and die!!!!!!

and i can't say it isn't working at least a little bit, i have improved so much, but i swear i'm driving myself insane and even for the simplest of assignments i worry, i worry and spiral i feel the tears build before they even form 

i am okay i am doing great i am doing better than i have in the past forever but i am also still in pain and fully aware of how capable i am of losing it

i wish i had more confidence, i want to talk to people, i should talk to people, i feel sick and i watch myself suffering and i know that i don't have to feel this way and i can logic myself out of this pain but i hurt!!! i hurt regardless!!!!! 

i want to go outside and see people i want to form connections and feel more warmth, more comfort, it's really not that i'm deprived of it everything is just shifting and i can't understand the speeds at which everything is moving the directions in which everyone is going and i want to reach out but i'm slow or too late and

i feel lonely but in a way that's dull, in a way that i know isn't the worst i've ever felt, but i hurt all the same and i'm crawling in myy skin

college is so liberating and yet so lonely