apparently guys cant be depressed..

I seen a quote online that was a joke but almost felt true "when guys get depressed no one cares" the double standard of today. 

I am not doing too well - I hate that so many things in my life are uncertain - slow income - slow everything. Not to mention my love life is pretty much ...well I dont have one as of current. 

I just feel no one really cares to dig my jam.... 

I am in such a lonely place. 

I am not as strong as I was. 

Sometimes I look back and go "oh wow, how things have changed" 

I would love to wake up care free with no problems (my life used to be like that) 

It is improving in some places though now that I have some direction but I am not gonna lie. 

Every now and then I do get hard up on myself. For not finding someone to be with. 

I have tried so many times only to be disappointed (go figure! lol!) 

That....a big part of me is like "What if next time is a complete waste of time" 

I pretty much know instantly if it will work out. Don't we all? Or no? Just me?? 

I have so many problems counting and stacking that damn it would be nice for someone to be on my team and wanna help pitch in. I get we all gotta do things on our own, but you would not believe the trouble I am having finding a steady job. And acting jobs as well are slow... 

I remember the days when I used to do such crazy cool things that I end up saying to myself wtf went wrong?? 

In 2013 it almost felt as if things started to go down hill in other areas (professionally speaking) 

I am becoming sometimes unsure about a lot of things. Money is tight and things are slow. ITS SCARY AS F sometimes!! 

I have trouble sleeping at night... :( 

Worried about well...everything. I am going to become something more than I am right now in life? Will I find someone to romantically chill with? 

Will I finally find something that brings me true joy? 

What I would not do just to idk..... just be somewhere else. In a bigger city. More hopes of things. Meeting people. 

I wish I had more better out going updates, but I am not gonna sit here and front either like everything is ok!!!! 
EVERYTHING IS BECOME A FCCING a task or more on simple sh!t! 

Just when I think oh great its getting better.....man I wish money didn't rule EVERYYYYYYYTHING! I cant even renew my website so customers can maybe barely buy anything off me. Times are tough - I swear people do not care when you are sad. No one wants to help. People will pretend to care though so they dont look too selfish or rude. But in all honest - comes down to the nitty gritty ----- aint no one caring. It's all a front. I know when people care. Like step the f in and say "I will help and you can repay me back when you can" NOPE suffer...I swear no real friends are in my life...the bare few I have - do not care to really even check in on me or say hi - its like wtf is that?? 

I am sorry for just ranting !!!! 

It felts better letting it out since no one really cares to listen to me personally in person. 

:( 

I am feeling just down on my luck - simple sh1t is getting outta hand !!!!!!! Like man why ?????!!!!!!! 

I try so damn hard to look for work you would not even believe it. :(((((( 

I look like a fool to others because they are always like "well I look up jobs online and tones of people hiring" 

YEAH NO kidding ehhhhhhh!!! LOL! 

Monkey's in a banana tree or what?? LIke oh no sh1t sherlock think I didn't already look them up AND apply for them. People are such a waste of fk -ing time and ENERGY ! no wonder I am alone half the time (BY CHOICE!!!!) either deal with that dumb minds or be myself......hmmmmmmmmmm I would rather be by myself. I know one day I will look back and go wow no way I am in a good place with friends. 

People judge.....everythingggggggg. And its getting the point like no f ING wonder I want to be alone.... 

I have a movie coming out Killcast I should be excited about that but its not gonna solve all my problems either. Great for promo and to get me out there - but being a working actor if you will - I have no made it or even got an agency yet. 

I really wish in my heart I had something better to write, but I dont ..im sorry. lol just my b1tch fest for now. 

I feel I wanna say the last decade or so has been nothing but sad times,. I feel I am in this zone that all I know is sad depressing situations than happiness. 


How I wish for change. I want to not be here. Working. 


I sure do miss getting up in the morning and having some sort of routine....I have not had that kind of energy since school I wanna say ... 

I wanna wake up and put some coffee on see the grey cluds get to sunshine in the early AM. I miss that. 

A