Entry #38

my life is a fucking joke honestly. its like i cant do anything without something bad happening. got home from the dentist, my family takes my acetaminophen away from me because it has codeine in it. im not a fucking junkie like my stupid ass grandma so she can hop the fuck off my dick because i dont abuse my pills unlike her dumb ungrateful ass. my dad ended up giving me a few and its like im being fucking babied with my medicine while im genuinely crying in agony over my pain in my god damn mouth which causes me to barely be able to sleep at night. then me and my friends are fighting again with each other and its stressing me the fuck out to the point where i nearly cut myself just to stop being anxious. its fucking aggravating that i cant even get a minute of peace. then i dont even have enough money to get some stupid ass overwatch cosmetic i want so now i have to only get one thing which i dont really give a fuck about but like still im pissed off. ill probably be able to get the rest later if i be a good boy for my dad. i just fucking hate myself right now because i cant fucking do anything right and i get dragged into unnecessary drama for no fucking reason when i genuinely havent done anything wrong, like its literally my friend making a dumb joke saying his girlfriend said the c slur and replaced the word with another word that starts with c, except no one followed up on the joke with what word they used to replace the slur and left us on delivered when genuinely asked if his girlfriend said it or not, and its fucking stupid. i fucking hate my friends. i hate myself for ruining my own life with meeting them. i wouldnt trade them for the world, but i think often about what itd be like if i had just never met them. maybe i wouldnt have had the urge to fucking kill myself every night for years straight. and it doesnt help that im physically in pain, so i dont even know what to do to relieve myself. ive been thinking about jerking off but like i dont feel any urge to do it or whatever and i dont wanna fucking cut myself because im already in physical pain so its just gonna make my life even more fucking worse. like when my friend leaves i'll probably try to fucking masturbate but like i probably wont even gain anything from that just like everything else i do in my stupid life.