blargh

my overall mood day-to-day has been so turbulent since i got a headache last week or so and went out of commission for two days. i already feel myself slipping back to old habits: isolating myself, not talking about how i feel with the people i love, mentally tormenting myself. it sucks!!! i know i'm getting better overall, but climbing out of the mental illness cesspool is such a long and laborious process and it frustrates me.

i can't say that it's gotten too bad, though. i'm still doing my college stuff, i try to push myself to open up to others (initiate hanging out with acquaintances, being honest with my parents when i feel like shit and asking for their company when i don't want to be alone), i'm not physically harming myself. i'm so much better than i was over a year ago, and i'm happy about it. i need to celebrate these things because i'll lose sight of what i've built and crumble.

but mental illness sticks and reeks like a bad smell embedded in your skin. i can't fully wash it off, not yet, and i'm aware of it every day. i have all the resources i need, therapy, meds, and a psychiatrist, but i sometimes wonder if i need more. i've suspected there might be more to my diagnoses than just some form of depression, i forgot what, and anxiety. my psychiatrist insists i'm fine though because i'm ultimately prevailing and keeping up with my responsibilities, but i just feel so empty sometimes. i can't gauge if i feel empty a normal amount or not, worry a normal amount or not, feel lonely a normal amount of not. i try not to think about this though because i get this shame from potentially being wrong about my pain, but i feel like this tendency towards shame might be the death of me.

i still try regardless. even if my traumas are still deeply embedded in my skin and bones, i still try to do what i am able to. there are many things i am proud of despite feeling this dull, persistent mental pain, and there will be many more things i will be proud of doing in the future.