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i went on my first actual, real date recently :(
i decided to try dating for real because i thought it'd help fill the hole inside of me, if only temporarily, and help me be 'productive' in the meanwhile as i'm waiting for the hole to actually, seriously be filled.
the date itself was fine, but i made a big mistake: i shouldn't've signed up in the first place. i had a mental breakdown last month and thought that dating in the manner i was would help me be able to get my faculties together better and help me advance my career in some way. i know, right?
i realized that i shouldn't be trying to date anybody right now because of how committed i am to The Man I Love. i don't totally regret trying to date, partially because i try not to regret anything (i try to learn from my experiences and accept my mistakes as things that have already happened and that i can only control The Now), but mainly because it was a learning experience; i learned that i need to be locking in harder and harder and harder and trying harder to get with The Man I Love.
i don't Believe i can ever be Satisfied if i settle for less than Him.
so i called off dating this person after one date. i
feel awful for betraying myself like that and letting my
mental episode make decisions for me. at least i can use this as a
reference for getting a serious diagnosis. i bet they'll send me out the
door with a bucket of pills same-day after they hear how i fucked all
of this up.
i don't really give that much of a fuck about this random guy. i kinda just want this guy to leave me the fuck alone as nicely as possible.
i care a lot more about achieving MY GOALS. call me a bad person if you want to; i don't care anymore. G-d gave me a bad hand, but, by G-d, i'm going to play it.
if He doesn't want to be with me, i am liable to kill myself. i pride myself on my honesty. i would rather die alone than be with somebody else.
i don't want to lead somebody on when i know My Heart Lies Elsewhere.... so i shouldn't date anybody that isn't Him. it isn't fair to anybody involved for me to lie to myself like that.
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