She'll be the death of me | 11/09/2024

Yesterday at noon I tried to tell my aunt an appointment change with my dentist and I wanted to show her my phone so she could read the text and understand the details, and she started getting angry and shit that I still wasn't talking with my voice to her yada yada so I put music on not to hear her

She continue yelling from other rooms, then come back and start blabbering again in her "I calmed down" tone asking about the appointment and from what I could tell with the music on she was blabbering once. Fucking again I'd like to add. That oh do we even need to continue go to this dentist oh I'm sick of all the appointment changes they do yada yada.

And I was there just so fucking bad because it's from day one that I've went to that studio, which is for now more than two fucking years cus they put on my braces when I was like last year of highschool. SHES BEEN COMPLAINING FOR THIS MUCH LONG. And it's not even an isolated case, this shit happens with like every fucking doctor. Everytime there's a professional to go to we play the roulette to see if it's gonna be on the list of doctors she doesn't trust and will complain about forever 

And I didn't want to comply. When I was still going to my second therapist? She would complain every fucking time, god forbid she had to take me there during the evening. Cus she's allergic to go out in the evening for reasons unclear.

She just exhaust you in a way that makes you want to go "fine fuck this doctor we'll stop going" and yesterday I didn't want to do that. Because first of all she'll be like but noooo don't take this strong choices all of a sudden, don't act like this now cmonnm

Like she hasn't been harassing you for 20 minutes pushing you to say that. And second of all. Cus I didn't want her to win.

So like every fucking time I started spiraling on how controlling she feels, how exhausted and suffocated I feel and I'm fucking unmedicated and haven't gone to a therapist in over a year so spiraling gets very dark very quick for me, I was ready to sh but it's very hot outside n we're still wearing t shirts.

I was feeling like shit so I just went back to my room (at some point I want to the bathroom to throw cold water on my face and I ended up sitting on the ground staring at nothing for a while), played in bed and turned off the lights. And just fucking bedrotted doing stuff on my phone.  

In the meantime She literally screamed and cried around the house. As a kid I'd get very sad if I heard her cry. I don't get that anymore . She then came back into my room like a beaten up dog and started talking. 

Something about me not talking and her getting worried and sad that Im not smiling and shit like I used to, implying these days I was doing bad™ while I was literally Chilling these weeks before she made me spiral, how she's trying so hard to find a psychiatrist but I don't even wanna go to a therapist 

Wow! I wonder if these two professions are completely fucking different and I'm searching for a treatment instead of having to make a fixed space in my calendar for an hour to opening up to someone, get no result and pay them way too much. 

I'm trying to start taking pills again even with my habit of abandoning half way through

But sure, I'm doing bad.

Anyway. I don't get the whole discourse, I'm scrolling on my phone, I'm not really paying attention, eventually she leaves. 

And I just continue doing what I was doing, for hours and hours, trying to nap from time to time and I just end up finishing the Asobi asobase anime that I started eons ago. 

At dinner time I think, she comes back asking what I wanted to eat, bringing me water (I have a reusable water bottle I constantly fill up but yesterday I just easily forgot to drink so I didn't have to get out of my room. I don't answer, not even by nodding or shaking my head like I usually do. I just don't wanna feel her presence for a while.

Less water drinking meant also less bathroom breaks so I get out just at midnight when I'm hearing less noise from the tv and do that real quick before going back in my room.

The plan? Just stay awake while she's not. Chill at night, sleep during the day. For a couple of days. Cus I don't wanna feel her presence for a while. 

I do more scrolling, I read a book cus I bought many but haven't opened them up yet

When I hear her waking up at 6 am I turn off the light I turned on to read, and I stay real quiet. And she opens my door with a bitchy "I know you're awake anyway" and start blabbering about how the hospitals in our town are not working and if something happens it's gonna be a long travel to a hospital and I need to eat and I last time I went in the bathroom was last morning (wrong, sounds like you weren't paying attention or you're just lying to make things more dramatic like you always do) and other bs. 

Idfk what she's implying. I'm not doing these fucking games. And I don't care and I can't wait for her to close that fucking door cus I. Don't. Want.to.feel.her.presence.for.a.while.

She tends to get out of the house around 9-10 am but I was getting too sleepy so roaming around the finally empty house wasn't an option and I just went to sleep.

I wake up at 1 pm. Didn't got a lot of sleep but once she gets back home everything she does is so fucking loud it would have been hard to stay in dream world 

The barges in, open the thingies of my window to let light in, brings food I don't care about eating and keeps the door open for what feel like an eternity while she's in another room saying she gotta give me the doctors appointment dates.

And when she finally fucking does it and closes the door I shut the window things so the room is dark again and go back to rotting and trying to get more sleep. Have I mentioned it's impossible cus she's so loud? Yeah

I take a melatonin, my bottle was on the desk so I see the ticket she left mentions a psychiatrist that's takes appointments on Mondays only 

God I fucking hate weekdays restrictions 

And sincerely in that moment I could not care less and after a long I ended up being able to get some few more hours of sleep, placing my phone with Spotify under my pillow so I can concentrate on something other than the tv blasting in the other room and I eventually dozed off. And here we are now.

I thought of getting out of the house without her noticing and going in town somewhere near, some quite corner where I could just stay for a while, maybe read. I'd have to wash my hair idk. For now I'm doing this. Also the weather is enough unbearable inside.

Signing off or whatever.