September Sickness

I think I must've spent 3 hours crying in the shower today, just wondering what even made me the way I am, why I've continuously done this awful things to people without any reflection. I had someone give me the entire world and I was so entitled, so selfish about it all. I thought that because I had suffered my whole life, that I had suffocated under the boots of others, that I was deserving of something beautiful, something bigger than myself. That I could borrow it and never return it, like some beat up library book. The entire thing makes me sick to my stomach.

I am breaking this cycle. I'm opening my eyes again and looking for friends and connections to start with, because that seems like the best option right now. I'm not forcing myself into a relationship, and not forcing the idea of dates. I want to understand humans just as much as I now understand myself. I want purity, I want renewal. I hope I can find it.

It isn't that I don't wish it worked out between us. But it is me knowing that I was digging a hole into you deeper than any wound, that I will stay in the back of your skull for longer than I need to. I wish I could fish my way out, I wish you could finally forgive me and we could live our individual lives without this sick surgical thread between us. In another life we were married, we were life, we were the sun and moon looking at each other - and today in the somber spring heat I'm working out a terrible knot in my shoulder and trying not to stare into the sun.