Suffocation

For now, I have suffered my last bout of pain. Your soul has slit up every vein in my body and I can no longer continue! In every bite I take, step I lay, moment I wait. It's there staring at me. Waiting for me to make the wrong choice. Every word just comes out all wrong. To be fair, I should have realized all that is, ends. All that exists must go under! An error in my ways to expect that the prolonged stasis of our moments would give way to a new sense of direction in my life. What kind of time did we experience? An instant passing in slow motion, or eons passing in a blur?! Which one did you feel as we sat together waiting for this life to take hold of its unsuspecting victims. It was my own shameful sorrow and my righteous shame. She had opened me up to take a peak inside my rancid soul that had, at once, seduced her through and through. 

She knew me, apparently. That's not how it seemed. Scared to be understood, so at last you had decided that I was not worth it. The thrill has all but shriveled up and now we stand not as beings but as strangers. The mark I left will remain there as it burrows deeper each time you're left wondering about my existence. A hidden thorn in your heart that was only birthed from the scorn you kept hidden from me. Meanwhile, the insect within my body clicks, clacks, tips, and taps at the various levels of irony hidden within our interactions. Problems arise when you delve too deep into your life and the lives of others. In an era of infinite disconnection, it is hard to find someone who can endure every plague that arises from affection and connection. Does the guilt gnaw away at your isolated existence? Does it mask the pain of an unawareness of life? T_T! 

I want to save you from yourself. At any moment were you beautiful, and I--a bug! The confessions of a heart will always mask its intentions to bring headaches into your existence. While Bach plays, I fall deeply in love with the confessions of a heart! What we gave each other was finicky and perfectly pure. It was as though we both understood the value of a human heart and what trouble it could bring into each other's lives. Will you stare at me with contempt once more? Will you question the closeness I brought into your life? The paradoxical nature of my intentions? How each moment was borne from empathy, how did each aim to get closer come out at a vague distance? Beauty is a terrible and awful thing! It can never be understood and yet it moves us quite deeply into places we don't understand but comprehend. God set me up with nothing but riddles. I would've taken everything greedily but with a deep pleasure in my soul. I might've called on you in my sick moments to exchange irrelevant words with you or just to stare at your face. Please tell me god, what was my condition? A kiss on the lips and a dagger in the heart! My questions continue to fret your heart, and will never be answered. The satisfaction you will feel will be unlike any other now that I'm gone. 

Now comes the excerpt that I was most excited about: "For love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly performed and in the sight of all". I always see the errors in my way. I watch them from behind an opaque window into my soul. Now you haunt me with visions of a happy ending while I live as a stranger in my own story of our closeness.