9/10/2024

September X, MMXXIV

I find it crazy how much can change in just a few moments; it's honestly insane. I feel so naive and stupid. I know I am not, but it is hard not to feel like your intelligence is being insulted when you start to piece together things and see how obvious things were. All I could think of was Jeff Buckley when he said, "Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong." The more I think on this though, the more I see I have done nothing wrong.

In all honesty, nothing has even truly happened. Maybe I am crazy for considering these pieces can even be connected, but at the same time, I know I am not. Is it wrong for me to be upset? I don't know. I think that's why I am refusing to let the situation break me down. I could cry, but what would that do? I don't even know if I am going to confront and try to discuss what I found, but regardless, it does bother me.

A part of me feels jealous and guilty for feeling that way, I had no entitlement over him; but it is odd to be actively looking and flirting with someone all the while being with someone and saying you love them. I don't say that lightly, and now thinking back on how I let my feelings control my actions instead of my mind, I can't help but cringe. I feel so naive and like a fool, and to a degree I am. I knew I shouldn't let my emotions cloud my rational thinking or actions.

I am going to listen to music and try to calm down by playing some games or writing a bit more in my PERSONAL diary, but I knew I needed to write with how much it is bothering me. I went outside and gardened as the sun set but it didn't help much. Hopefully I can find something else to help ease the anger and other conflicting emotions.