dirty laundry

i was like maybe 4-8 during all of this. raised by my great grandmother, born 1930. old soul. church every sunday, a woman born to be a mother. i couldn't do a lot by myself, never could, i was spoiled to death.

i asked her to get me early from school one day. as in, get me out of class during the day, to my surprise she said yes. 

all day i waited yet i left when all of the other kids did. she was never last in line for waiting for me at school. she was always right there in the middle. sitting a good 30 minutes or longer just to get near the front of the line.

that day, as i was sitting and waiting, i heard my name being called as soon as i sat. her car was at the tippy top of the line, very first one there, probably hours before.

cars used to pile up during our recess, i would remember seeing around three or four everyday. they came that early for their child. 3-4 hours until we were released.

still, when i got into that car in the front of the line, all i bothered to do was scream and cry about how she didn't get me excused from school instead of picking me up so early. 

and she still apologized.

when i was a lot younger, around 5, i had a portable disc player i brought everywhere, usually on car rides. 

when i'd have in those headphones in the car, despite knowing how loudly and terribly i was screaming, i sang my lungs out as loud as i could to the song i was listening to.

one day i heard her singing along, and instead of giggling, i took out my headphones and yelled at her to stop. she didn't say another word.

dumb kid things. ungrateful kid things. bratty kid things.

i can't fathom being loved that much. i can't begin to grasp being loved that much. 

i was swallowed whole by it. my neglectful mother was never around, but mama was, my great grandma was.

every morning she'd wake me up, and dress me herself as i continued to sleep as much as i could. she'd make me a whole prepared breakfast as i sat on the couch and watched pbs or metv.

then she'd throw my blanket into the dryer, and let me cuddle it on the way to school. she would bring my toothbrush with already pasted toothpaste, because she knew how much i hated brushing my teeth.

to this day it remains one of my biggest sensory issues, but i've been getting better.

she showed up to every school ceremony, whether it was only announcements or a play, or awards, she was always there. all of my friends and everyone in my class would always surround her, they loved my mama too.

she always volunteered for my school trips, all of the other kids loved being coddled by her.

she took me to every single appointment. she paid for every single dentist appointment, every single doctors appointment, every single thing.

every sunday, her and papa would take me to church then we'd always go to mcdonalds. every single sunday. sometimes they'd even take me the next day. and i always got a vanilla ice cream.

she watched all of the movies i put on. to me, sometimes it didn't matter if papa was already watching rawhide or the rifelman, i slipped in my dvd disc anyways, and we all would watch land before time together. 

she always slept beside me, humming me a tune before i slept, or telling me a story. she always made sure the night light was on. she even let the queen bed have the disney princess hot pink bedcovers the other half of the time, instead of her pretty old tan flower ones.

she let me turn the living room and kitchen into a racing track. all of my hot wheels i had collected, she let me push them all over the floors and counters, no matter what she was doing.

she always walked down the hill to my play house with me whenever i asked. she'd sit on the swings and watch me go down the slide endlessly.

she let me roller skate on her hardwood polished floors all the time, even thought they left marks.

and anytime i cried, she always cuddled up with me in the chair with her yellow stitched soft blanket, and watched tv with me. 

she always cleaned up everytime i threw up, no matter how gross or where. twice in the bed we shared one night, all over the bathroom floor, in the car.

what i'd give to be sitting in that rocking chair again, holding onto her as she brushed my hair and sang me a song in a tune that was always slightly off key, and usually always an elvis song.