Movies

Today, I'm thinking about how difficult it is for us to watch a movie depicting genocide, and hate, and ignorance, and lust, and anger, and sadness, and killing - how often we check the timestamp at the bottom of the screen, wondering if the end is near - and how easy it is to spend the next 2 hours scrolling the comments of a McDonalds casserole recipe on Instagram. I'm thinking about how easy it is to move on from something that has the potential to make us think and reflect, and to forget about lessons we could have learned if we had paused for a moment.

I'm thinking about how embarrassing it feels to be inspired by a film, and how any enjoyment feels like a declaration of a lack of depth. How thinking feels like an admittance that I never think; how much of an asshole I am for pausing, and for wondering why others don't pause, then complaining about it in a little hole of the internet that no one will see. 

I'm thinking about how frustrating it is to care about something, and want change to occur, and stare at myself in the mirror and fix my hair while I pout about it. I'm thinking about how much I want, and how little motivation I have to make it happen. 

I'm thinking about how to get other people to care about the things that I care about, and I'm thinking about all of the things that other people care about that I will never fully give my attention to - that I'll never really listen to. And how I immediately grabbed my laptop, because it felt like the only way to take what I saw and turn it into a statement on myself and on those around me and pass judgment and express frustration. And how distracted I am writing this. And how pointless this is. 

I'm thinking about how little this will do to achieve what I want to achieve. And I feel small, and hopeless, and fruitless. I wonder if my attention would be better spent on smaller things - things I can control. But I find myself rebelling against the notion that I can't have big dreams. Not because I think somehow, someday I'll achieve them, but because if I stop caring, no one else will do the caring for me, and I don't know if it would make me more or less human. 

I'm thinking about all that I wish I could do, if I could just snap my fingers. I'm thinking about how childish that sounds. How lazy I am. How angry I am at myself. I can hear the voice in my head telling me to turn off my laptop and do something real about everything I feel. Telling me that I'm the only thing stopping myself. I can be a revolutionary. I can change people's minds. I can make people listen, and make them care. But I don't know if that's true, and it's scary to think what could happen if I turn out to be wrong. I'm thinking about how scary it is to imagine being wrong.

Today, I'm thinking about how safe it is to watch a movie, then to turn on another. How pointless discussion feels. How boring conversation can be. How interesting and fulfilling a McDonalds casserole is, and how that's much more fun to talk about at parties.