Entry #32

i wish i knew what lays beyond life. i want to know if theres an afterlife, if theres a heaven or hell, elysium, asphodel, a blank void, the underworld, i want to know. maybe then i wouldnt be so afraid to die if i knew what was after death. or maybe knowing what'd happen would save me, making me live life to its fullest. its alright though, i think id prefer not knowing. its scary thinking about the chaos the world would come to if aliens were real, or what lies after death, or what religion is real or if there even is a higher power. though its interesting at the same time. i personally would say im a hellenist or pagan maybe. i dunno. i like to believe that every god does exist, but i only worship greco-roman. what if the more people that believe in a god, the more powerful that god becomes? and the less people that believe in a god, they slowly lose their status and become weaker. i think thatd be cool. definitely not original, but still cool. ive been thinking a lot about it recently actually. but i guess i will never know until i experience death. i really want to die. i dont remember a day where i didnt think about dying. not even just me killing myself, just other people shooting me or stabbing me or knocking me out and taking my life. my family finding me. my funeral. my friends i never got to meet. all the people who knew me lying saying we were friends just to be selfish and gain pity from my death. or the people who would say i had it coming. i definitely did.