woe is me..?

Sunday, September 8, 2024

8:25 PM

This is so shit...

wow, looking back at my past entries made me feel even shittier..

i'm so ashamed of myself, how i keep disappointing me every damn time..

i think having hope is useless.. life only gets worse. (maybe not)

i turned 20 this august, and nothing much has changed. I really do love having a partner though, we've been together for a year and a couple of months now..

we sure do have our ups and downs, and moments where we almost considered parting ways, but between me and my love- there's nothing a proper communication can't fix.. And to be honest, i can be a bit of an asshole most of the time, but i have improved a lot...

On my birthday, i didn't want any celebration because my partner maia and I were going out to bond.. We did spend our day well and got home to watch movies and makeout.

I love him so much, he did make my day so special.. We also played DnD that night, which i enjoyed a bunch. He gifted me a book of poems made by Thomas Hardy and i loved it.

Sorry if i'm all over the place, i'm gonna be all mushy now..

this is your warning, please don't ever make fun of me for this..

.

.

I really, really love spending time with him.. He makes my life much more interesting, he brings color to it.. I know it's wrong to be sdhfkshdkjfhsk fuck, sorry..

i know it's wrong to be this codependent.. i do think i'm being like that. or i just hate my life in general and being with him feels like a breath of fresh air..

He made me feel whole- I couldn't stop crying when i knew i got to go home after spending almost a week at his house, his family made me feel welcomed, especially his sister, i like her so so much..

I'm really considering getting a job - enough to buy my wants and needs, but, i don't know where to start or what to do.. maybe working at a small milktea shop would be nice...

And uh, i'm sorta having a life crisis- or maybe i just like to overthink a lot; why do i always invalidate my thoughts and feelings...?

Anyway, i thought about wanting to switch courses.. still thinking about whether i should switch to multimedia arts or just stick to hospitality.. for me, multi's where my passion's at - photography/filmography, i really want to explore more of that.. but then i thought, since i already know some shizzas about those - it's not a bad idea to discover the ones i'm not good at.. Though, i have to say, i don't really like it.. I suck at cooking - it's stressful and i have bad socialization skills.. but you know, well, okay... i think by maybe staying a bit more at HM would help me get out of my shell.. what if it's not really bad after all?

I apologize if i seemed a bit crazy in this entry (i might be, shit, who knows? maybe i'm undiagnosed)

- i am using this website or this platform to express myself and my thoughts, typing this now on my fuckass laptop seems very therapeutic for me, the voices in my head have gone quiet and i can hear myself now.. why didn't i do this more often?

yeah, so atm i'm worrying about how to effing save up cause my bf's bday is coming next month and idk what gift to get him - I'm also supposed to go out on oct with bea as well but i haven't been going to school so i haven't got to save.. fml

i will be using this more often now...

rie