dissatisfaction

This may or may not be my last entry, but don't expect anything new from me.

my whole life i've been chasing or waiting. for people, things, but i never gain anything. i'm not bothered, i'm not entitled to anything. i realized that fulfillment is nothing but a myth. i struggle to connect with people, i feel like this has been very evident in my writings. i have not felt connected equally once to anybody. and at this point--i've lost interest. either i've been completely disgusted with people or i want to connect with people who are far out of my circle. all i'm left with is deprivation. my life is nothing but deprivation. i dont want to have anything because that means i have something to lose. my only goal is to die and i find peace knowing that i'll achieve it soon. i don't strive to fulfill any desire. i've reached a rut where all i can do is allow my hate to fester. i have no idea why im writing this.. its only a desire that i think i have to fulfill when it really doesnt make a difference. complaining is exactly completing a need.. or want. the only reason i could come to this sudden realization is when the quality of my life improved. good grades, active in extracurriculars, more friends. i had all of this and i realized it wouldn't make a difference. maybe im selfish. but does it matter? i finally realized that no matter what i "achieve", my goals make me nothing. i'm free from attachments and desires. but it doesn't get me anywhere. sometimes i wish i lived in the herd of delusion. i wish i could say i hated everyone, but i do admire a lot of people. and i envy. im sorry for the "vent", but i dont mean to lament about "boohoo life is so hard". im just sharing my little.. philosophy, hoping people might relate. relation, thats strange.