uhhhhhh

i feel kinda foolish for feeling lonely right now! it's not a bad feeling and i know what i can do to ease my loneliness in the future; it just sucks to feel rn :p

i think i feel foolish about feeling lonely becuz an old friend from years ago saw my instagram account and i felt betrayed by them in the past so now i feel like i need to present myself online as perfectly okay? and really i'm doing a lot better since i last talked to them, i've grown so much and i'm really proud of the progress i've made, but i still have more progress to make. and i'm paranoid that the old friend will somehow find my spacehey account and be like "haha they're still mentally ill and miserable"

but whatever, it doesn't matter, i'll still rant here :p

i changed schools too many times the past few years, it's dizzying. i moved after freshman year of high school, ended up moving up a grade and spent two years at another high school, and now i have to reorient myself again at college. blehhhh it's so much change, and while i can take it, it's still exhausting.

i wish i had more classes on campus T_T i want to spend more time around people, i want to see my friends more often, i want to find romance !!! i'm not having as much social connection as i wish i could and aaghhhhh i need people!!

all my friends' schedules are so vastly different and they're all busy T_T one of my closest friends who lives hours away isn't messaging me as much lately and i feel sad about it ;; they're probably allocating more social energy for the friends they have in person which is totally okay and i don't blame them, but it doesn't take away from the loneliness i feel. i want to reach out to them but there's so little in my life to talk about becuz most of my days are studying and regaining energy to study again. i don't engage in my hobbies and interests as much anymore, too.

i know that there's a lot to my life that i can change to feel better about myself. i can try being on campus more, engage in my hobbies whenever i have free time, and reach out to friends even if i don't have anything "valuable" to say. i just. feel like sludge rn and want to ride out this feeling for tonight until i get the motivation to address the causes of my loneliness.