starting to care [life goes on - pt 1]

(content warning. this is a seriously depressing subject. please dont read if you dont want to)

this is sort of awkward. i dunno how to do virtual logs or whatever. im just going to pretend im talking to myself in this. so its gonna be super choppy and awkward and weird. so if your reading- im sorry lol.

my brain is a mess. and im sorry every single post of my blog is depressing asf.. im not very interesting besides that. 

anywho, this is just a little series i wanna do for myself. to keep myself on track with my recovery and everything! :) nothing stressful (i hope..)

first off. this series' purpose. im just logging my feelings and keeping them from being bottled up inside, because i love to blab about myself even if its depressing. and it seems way healthier to me to simply rant than to stay silent and think all of this mess in my head. 

first thing im thinking right now is recovery. recovery from.. im not really sure. i think its probably depression. but i dont know FOR SURE. So i'll just refer to it as recovery. since i dont need to be mentally ill to recover from something lol. not trying to be offensive.

anyway. im not fully sure if i want to "get better". it changes sometimes. sometimes i just want to give up, because thats what is comfortable and safe. less stresful. easier. funner. if that makes sense. and its a really weird feeling. its so weird that some days i will pray for all of my sadness and constant hopelessness to come back. because it feels so comforting. and this happens way too often, as well, which is honestly annoying. i just want to rot in bed... BY CHOICE.. i guess.

what i have learned is that i sort of embrace it. its sort of overwhelming to ignore. so i let myself sit there and embrace these feelings. it makes me feel better in a sick and twisted sort of way lmao. but then i promise myself that i will get back up. that it WONT carry onto the next day.

and it works!

(sh warning *not descriptive*)

also. its really weird how different it is to "quit" certain habits. It was easy for me to stop SH, as i wasnt exactly reliant on it and i could quit when i wanted to. relapse wasnt depressing for me, as i didnt care. infact, it took something as small as a minor inconvenience of hiding my scars that forced me to quit lol.

but being lazy?? having motivation to DO things?? oh my god. its so intense it feels like it will never end. i dont remember a time where my hobbies DIDNT require a conscious effort and thought. it feels like its been years. i cant seem to keep a streak longer than a few days.

i realize its not normal for you to have to force yourself to do your hobbies. and its making me.. frustrated. and no matter HOW much advice and rules and whatnot i hear. i CANT seem to get it back naturally. its been bad. 

its even worse because i dont have the sort of "im a failure if you dont do this" depression mindset. im just "im a failure and i cant do anything about it" type mindset.. so unlucky!! i wouldve loved to have the kind that makes me extremely productive. but of course, i dont.

anyway. lets stop moping. because another promise(?) of my recovery is that i let out all the bad and focus on the good. and praise things worthy of praise and highlight things that bring me joy.

in this journey, im trying to see the positive. and celebrate my achievements. one of my many goals of recovery is to dance daily (eventually) and do some of my hobbies every week.

and so far, im doing good! im going to conditioning to be a cheerleader, and i dyed my hair for the first time and so many people complimented it! pre-calc might have sucked but at least when i got home i danced for about 2-3 hours instead of 15 minutes! and the time didnt get sucked from beneath me like it usually does! and next, i plan on writing a few short stories to pass the time!

so life is good. its not great, nor up to standard. its been annoying an embarrassing and terrible. but im not focusing on that. at least im trying. because so much good has happened and im grateful for everything, even when i want more.

and im ALSO grateful for all of my new online friends i met through this website :( life has been good. and its going to be better. i have to go now.

i hope and pray future-me is proud and thankful for me. i hope my efforts arent in vain.