college woes

now that i finally settled into college and got over my freshman-what-am-i-doing-with-my-life crisis, i feel kind of lonely? it's really not too much of a palpable loneliness, it's more of a dull, consistent pain. i don't go on campus for long becuz all but one of my classes are online and i have to commute T_T

i like this schedule but also mildly dislike it? i like controlling what work i do every day and having more alone time becuz being around people, especially hundreds of people i don't know, is so exhausting. but i still love being around people and i can't handle being alone for too long!!!! i try going to cafes near my house to study but it's really not the same as being on campus and being around people who are at a similar place in life. 

being on campus is really nice once i get over my social anxiety and general skittishness. i was feeling semi-shit today (hair looked horrific, traffic caused me to be late to a lecture) and wanted to go straight home, but i planned the night before to try buying food at a place near the lecture hall!! so i ultimately forced myself to go and ended up not feeling too bad :p there was this really pretty person who came up and complimented me,,, T_T i wish i got their instagram god DAMMIT but i was so freaked out over what i was supposed to say next and how to appropriately leave the conversation (not becuz i didn't want to talk to her, i did, but i didn't know how to gauge if they wanted to talk to me more so i just leave awkwardly).

i want to explore more of campus but it's so hard ;;; i get so exhausted from walking normally, i always need to take breaks becuz i get out of breath and my ankles end up hurting like hell. it's probably becuz i'm not that active and i have uneven hips, i'm hoping i can get it checked soon becuz i'll definitely have to walk more on campus after this semester once i actually get more in-person classes.

but otherwise, i do like being in college. the freedom to do whatever is the best thing!!!! i'm still constrained by studying and homework obvi lolz but everything just feels so vast, and at least for now, i feel steady in my place in the great unknown of adulthood. 

it also feels so nice becuz i never imagined myself to be at this point in life. it was always either an impossibility or a vague blurry image in the distance, and high school made life so incredibly difficult to really consider college and adult life as a tangible thing. but i persevered and will always continue to persevere, i've experienced so much love and connection and fulfillment and i want more of it!!!!!