work thoughts - winter 23/24

i have a book ive been carrying around for the last few years. ive worked through a lot of stuff in that book since i got it- theres a lot i could say about that. 

but theres a pocket in the back of it that ive stuffed a lot of random paper in, wether it were ideas to expand on or just little thoughts and poems that ended up being loose out of the book idk. i felt like sharing a few things i just rediscovered in the back of my book. i wrote them on index cards from my old job last winter. i didnt really remember them at all until i saw them again, i had my second concussion about a month or so after these so that whole winter is a completely different timeline in my brain atp, much was forgotten.

i think thats why i would have died for it. something in my mind never fully understands that we can never go back. i miss the old days like theyre an old friend i havent seen in years, on their way over. just a little while longer, we'll be back right? itll be just how it was last time, how couldnt it be? we'll never grow old if we stay here, which we totally will. i'll be 15 again, youll move back up the street.

one day we'll be 5 years younger again, youll move back into your old house. we'll bike home in the rain from the corner store, the light in your room is still too dim, the tv is still too bright. i can curl up and rest my head against the baby blue walls, youre smoking out of a coke bottle again. we havent hurt eachother yet. i still dont know myself. ive been here a thousand times, i dont think we'll ever really leave. i wonder if the new owners can still hear us laughing all night long.

-i will never be a victim of having hope in my heart

[...] but i digress. you ask me why i still stick around you. to have been loved by me and survived it- you astound me. to endure all that i am and still bare to look me in the eyes when all is said and done- what else do i have but you. [...] i promise this love dosnt come without guilt. i am infinetly sorry. its out of my hands.