YAY FIRST BLOG ENTRY

omg i haven't done one of these in forever!!! i love talking to the endless void of the internet and the last time i did it i was. severely depressed. but this time i'm better and thriving !!!!!! 

something i've been thinking abt super recently is my sexuality! so in april-may of this year i realized i was a lesbian this whole time! i was up at 12am or something and i was thinking abt a girl i had a crush on and a guy i THOUGHT i had a crush on and was like "hmmm wouldn't it be so funny if i looked at the lesbian master doc" and i was. very much surprised HAHA

the way i liked the girl was so much different than the way i liked the guy. thinking about dating the girl was so giddy and sweet and lovely and i didn't feel grossed out at all but every time i thought about being romantic with the guy i wanted to kill myself HAHAHA

i really don't register men as people i can genuinely connect with on a deeper level! i've always had problems being in romantic relationships with men in the past and i just thought it was just me being weird but it was actually just me being a lesbian LMAO

every time i "liked" a guy it was because he was possibly into me and i really liked that possibility until it actually became real. when i realized the guys i was interested in actually were interested in me i would be super grossed out and cut them off from my life. which isn't good. ... .... kinda feel bad .......... but reading the master doc made me realize that people who like guys don't do this LMAO

and recently i have been juggling the label "lesbiflux" becuz there are periods of time where it's hard to feel attracted to any nonmen at all? but i feel like this might be a normal thing that people who are sexually attracted to others experience and that it's just external circumstances (college starting, not going out much, idk?) but i also just don't really know how people feel attraction. i don't really know if i want to identify as lesbiflux and if it really matters for me and what the term could even mean for me. 

labels are weird and i know i wouldn't tell others i'm lesbiflux openly becuz it's like. i need to explain that to people and does it really matter to have a label i wouldn't normally use? but at the same time i guess it would matter if i were to be in a relationship with a nonman becuz...... experiences........ (ex was upset abt me having fluctuating sexual attraction) idk i'm semi-chronically online and haven't dated a girl in so long T_T i guess i'll think about it more when i do get back to dating. which is hopefully soon GOD PLEASE T_T there are so many gorgeous girls at my university and i am so horrifically gay

i remember lesbians online talking about how weird it is that bisexual girls are like "men are so easy to date but women are so scary" and honestly though..... i used to agree with this sentiment before i realized that my attraction to guys is not real. guys were super easy to start dating becuz i look like every cishet guy's manic pixie dream girl wet dream. and i had more romantic relations with guys especially when i was more chronically online, i just ended up talking to more guys and a lot of them ended up liking me romantically T_T

but they were not easy at all to continue dating, during my relationships i'd be disgusted by the guys i'd date and dream about girls instead. they never understood my queerness and doubted its authenticity (that time i came out to an ex as a demigirl and he basically said to think again and gave me a transphobic book that was NOT neutral at all on the concept of questioning gender.... or that time another ex was like "it's fine if you're bi as long as you don't marry women becuz that's a sin". that ex also asked me if i ate dogs the day i confessed to him. yikes!)

but women and nonmen.... i'm afraid of talking to just becuz i'm a shy person in general LMAOAO it's so hard to talk to a person normally in the first place how am i gonna talk to a girl romantically T_T 

and there's less wlws than there are straight women!!!! aghhhhh woe is me

i think i'll be fine and i'll find a super cute partner one day but.... that day is NOT today u_u