Projector

Its hard not to have fantasies of the worlds most prized possession and goal. Expectation, even, love. Wouldn't it be sweet if someone believed you embodied such a beautiful notion. How when they thought of the word love, your face flashes in their mind right? Wouldn't that be wonderful? Until that's all you are. A thought. An idea. Caught up so much in their ideal version of you, they forget that it isn't you. When you step out of the line they etched out in their brain that you should have known to follow, they become enraged, confused even. "What's wrong?", " You aren't acting like yourself these days.". "Where's the person I fell in love with?? Where did he wonder off to?" He's I'm your mind, my dear. I was never the one you loved, just a white wall for your projector. But what about me? I loved you, truly. Im not a concept, Im a real, live, person. Just like you. I have feelings too, capable of feeling other than love and whimsy. I get sad, and angry, and confused. A lot of times in response to your backwards definition of a partnership. I loved you really, and actually, I didn't love the film, I loved the man behind the camera. I fell in love with the process and not the art. The paint and not the finished piece. Now even though I can see so clearly. 20/20. I still somehow classify as blind. I deserve better, I leave, I cry, you don't feel whole now, without a wall to play our your wildest desires. You tell.me you miss ME, that you love ME, and then I am the one swept up and stabbed in the back again by the hands of Cupid. I drive back to you, with relief melting on my tongue and a dream starting in my eyes, am I still on the road? Did you know I can dream while awake? Did your model of me do that? Did you know? I don't think I'm driving anymore but I'm still crawling right back to you and your fairytale world. Maybe my dream came too soon, I can't see you, I can't see your pretty face or your clouded eyes when you look at me. Gosh that hurt, did I fall? I can see now. You look sad...or panicked? You're spinning. honey, are you dizzy? Or am i? I feel tears on my cheek and then I see black. Then suddenly I can see again. I see you and your eyes. Theyre not cloudy anymore? What happened? Youre indifferent to me? What happened to the sparkle when you looked at me? Even when you couldn't actually see me, I had learned to forget that part. Wow, A doctor. Really fancy looking! Then I remember. Fuck. Now you know I'm a wreck. You turned your projector off, you turned the lights on, I can't hide in the dark any longer. and now you can see the plain white wall I really am, pretending to be extraordinary for you. You no longer question where I went, where I wondered off to. In your eyes, I was never real in the first place. Im sorry.