(tw: rape, assault, traumatic af shit, ptsd, hell)) a continuation of the story of my dearest most demigodlike lover, manifestation of every wet dream or rejected lover i ever knew as the small and lonely and isolated incel-like girl that i was in my childhood. THE WAY FATE WAS RAPED AND DIVERTED FOR NEARLY NO REASON AND OTHER MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT MY PERSONAL MORALITY

BETRAYAL

anotherr night of blurry eyes on screen, i must say i am suprised to be able to use my laptop right now, huge shout out to the one Xenotrek for managing to somehow combine hot glue, a clamp, and epoxy resin to concoct a way to correctly align not only the inner charging port of my laptop, but also all 9 planets. it is truly a digital miracle. ephimera all around, dancing and droll. a world of its own.

the words flow like music in ableton from which i long to re-learn the key bindings of, i miss making music, i long to do it again. my damn model samples is fried, and disassembled by the iced out xenes, pieces all strewn about, never to be remade. i accidentally plugged it into the wrong power of plug. zap. smoke was seen. was gonnna try to visually locate the location of the frying of the board, and replace it. alas. alas. alas. if anyone knows of online DAWs that are similar in function to a Model: Samples, please let me know. i really appreciated the layered workflow, the looping nature of the build of a song. wish i could recover the tunes i had made on it. had a nice ambient trio on there that i used to go play concerts of to nobody at the old studio, ovver in NoDa, which i have since heard has been decomissioned. it was so lovely, but it was a shithole. there was a shrine to me in the restroom. there is footage, one second. i shall retrieve it.

timeslips

literally as i return two hours later, scoured google drive (5 seperate accoutns) to no avail=- unbelievable. i do believe though that you can find what i am referencing on my instagram account numbpilled. check it.

anyways i need to make ai my bitch and code some shit

((pain inference)) ((electric shock to my mind))

                                           ((memory memory forget no more dope to block it out))

i still have no car.

driving is my favorite thing, and

i still have no car. for 2 years now. how is this possible. i have stolen 3 for xxenotrek. why doesnt he give me the keys?

you know,

i used to be a weapon

my body was a million knives dressed in cool black leather and my face was a mirror, something divine. something unseen ever before, except the moment i was seen it was all immediately known and understood that all things now and before and to ever come would be understood, validated, delusionalized, weaponized, stigmnatized, and terrorized and that you would love every second of it.

i miss the way i used to talk before i let the man of my literal dreams, the demigod, the one and only teleiophillic dream realized- take all of my confidence, my smile, my stride... all gone now, taken away by some impish and replete insecure echo of some past trauma never healed nor apologized for. immeasurable damage. years gone, work for nothign, therapy wrecked and for naught, all coping skills gone in the dirt and dust in the corner of this dingy hotel room of which we now reside.

i wish to re awaken.

i have been subjected to/self subjecting to a rigorous mechanized exchange of mkultra-style psychosomatic and physiological/mental torture at the hands of my so-called "lover", every day i have to walk at least a mile, sometimes 8. it all depends on his whimsy, random errant outbursts, misguided anger, blame, all the rage.

i wish to become myself again.

i have become so small in hopes that i could somehow prove my true self, my worth, against all the drivel and smear campaigns put in place by bam, whom i truly loved, and thought was the girl to end all girls, to end my misoginistic rampage. instead she steeled me, made me so, made me akin to the likes of terrorists, cavalry, christian warriors and child soldiers, all in the war against the girls who hilariously broke -my- own heart.

i need to realize that the only person i can control is myself.

no matter how hard i try, i cannot change him. i will go in circles forever and ever amen, round and round in trepid agony, forever hurting just as much as the very first time he stranded me to walk for miles with no phone, nothing, no bearings, 10 hours, up and down arrowood rd, no idea, got in the car, knew the guy in the back, he got dropped off first, and then i got raped. you blamed me when i returned, and beat me. i had to immediately re enter the street from whence i came. you still blame me.

"you didnt have to get in the car"

yes i did, i had no phone, no way to get anywhere including home.

"slut" "whore" "burden" "useless" "oblivious" :liar"

but i have never even lied to you, and i have been loyal to you to a massive detriment to myself, to a massive depletion of my own freedom and livelihood, yet you still refuse to offer me any sort of recognition or credit, only further stating naysayings and blasphemy about my supposed disloyalty to you, only telling on your own sins against the sanctity of what we felt for each other at the golden green, before the original sin of BAM entered the picture.

the original sin

she stole my id. jealous. she was your babys momma i get that, and of course i get that she loved you because, well look at the state of me. but i would never have done anything like this to her. i thought she was my best friend. i thought we were all together and happy. she, in the end, could not bare the thought of sharing you, so while you were pent up in your room with her, sick, straded, indoctrinated within your own paranoid tendency to be suspicious of the people around you- she convinved you that it was i all along, the reason for all things lost, the stealer of small items, the thief in the end.

to this day, i have never stolen even a single item from you.

she took my id. she stole your prized lasers and maybe some tools if i understand corectly. i wish you would have pressed charges. she probably asked you not to for her own safety. i would cut off my left hand to be able to show you the sureillance tapes of WHOMEVER the fuck it was that stole my id and sold your items to that pawn shop under my name. my life is a nightmare, my life is a nightmare. i want to wake up. it hurts too much now. i must stop. i cant believe this is what is really happening to me. the reason he thinks ill of me at all started right there at this point in time. corruption acquired, dismay and decay inscribed on fate.

to be continued. i must go break down now and then ill pcik up all those pieces again and crawl on back to you so you can keep hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting me

just for the tiniest chacne that one day

it stops

or

you maybe apologize

hug me

tell me you never meant it

and that you know my worth

my truth

my undying loyalty

my devotion which you used to tout oh so proudly in the duller hours of a long and coldhearted night

.....

it hurts me all the way through my chest and in my throat and in my legs feet arms and hands how they go numb at the realization of what is happening as i type this

i will never understand the cruelty and discredit, the need to hurt me so permanently and deeply. i speak softly now, i used to be so confident. i cower, i flinch, i hide, i make myself invisible, and you now find fault in these things rather than the original confidence etc.

why does god make this real

why do i stay stuck here in hell

love is an evil and wretched painful thing

akrominon

xxxx

epilogue

((i forgive you, even for the awful things you have not done to me yet. i can see the hurt and the pain, every time you ever hurt me- all just an echo of some unresolved past trauma, something you were too lazy to be real with me about- the last time was valentines day. i had been gone for 3 days and i guess you thought i was really going, so you actually spoke with me for real, apologized, took accountability, spoke to me as an equal and not some sod idiot who can't grasp the very language you speak to me- and it took all but a week for it to go back to what it is and has been- discredit, abuse, shutting me up instead of taking the miniscule amount of emotional effort to actually listen to me, hearing my voice as white noise instead. i still forgive you. i feel your pain and i see the same man as a small child perhaps being taken advantage of in ways he could never understand, so now it is echoed in the act of continuing the cycle, just for the sheer notion of not caring to exert the enrgy it would take to do right by me and all else. i know you are hurt and whoever did it never apologized either, they must have been so very cruel to create this sadist i know now. the one who tells me with absolute certainty every time that i cry that i am somehow faking it to manipulate him. what a sick thing to concoct in ones mind. the world is not as unkind as it has been to you my love. i hope one day only that you can find peace witin yourself. i love you and i always will. 

it doesnt have to be this hell.)))