Am I at home?

I don't know if I'll ever feel at home in this world.

I don't know if that is all that bad, maybe it is. I just don't know if I'll ever find what I need to live a life where I feel complete. I find myself searching, not always knowing for what. Drowning in temporary pleasures, trying to keep my head above the water. Is that all life is? Trying to stay alive?

I don't know if what I'm looking for even exists in reality. My mind might be overestimating what I think I want. I have created expectations, and am now suffering for it. My world will never be like my imagined fantasies, but accepting that is too difficult, at least as of now.

I can feel autumn coming. My mind more melancholy, taking over summers misery. Winter will bring hopelessness, and spring, the chaos. Trying to be on my own can be an impossible task. Even making myself dinner is a task that seems impossible most days, yet I do it. But the other tings, like cleaning, doing the laundry, it takes incredible amounts of energy. Even going out of my room is a task I dread most days.

Will it ever get better? No matter how much I've screamed for help in my life, it seems as if it will never be as it should be. Life has never been easy, not to me. I know I live a privileged life, yet I the pain and anxiety I feel makes me unable to breathe. I wonder if it will ever go away, the tightness in my throat, in my brain, strangling me from the inside. Wish me luck. I wish you luck on whatever you may be going through inside too.