a bad encounter

just a few minutes ago, i was just petting my rat when i noticed an abnormal bulge in her tiny body. we've been aware that she had a tumor for so long, and she's been trough many treatments, but her own daughter; our other rat passed last month and i don't know how to feel about it yet.

i feel like i've been ignoring that fact for many time, to be fair i don't even know why; maybe i don't wanna fall back into a black hole, maybe i've felt like i have to be "strong" for my other rat now that her baby is gone, maybe it's because almost everything in my life is out of my hand, or maybe because i haven't accepted it yet, at all.

i don't know what will i do when chloe leaves me. i know it won't take too long, but i just don't know how to accept that my two rats will only be a memory. i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do