My illness

Its been a  Decade since i have this illness , depression , i don t know how i still survived and how i m still alive but it feels like is eating my whole life and is getting worse. I tryed to kill myself many times , i lost the count , and i survived . I just wander how was i before i had this illnes i just can t imagine because almost my whole life was like this . I just wish i never existed , or i was never born . Sometimes i do drugs to just forget i m here but i do it once 4-6 months because i m afraid i will lose my maind compleatly and my life will be worse . I know there is no hope for me  because i tryed so many times to heal , i m on meds and i ve been so many times to mental hospital and this didn t help me at all. I just can t be saved . I never had a relasionship because i m ugly and no one will like me ever , i m also fat . Im just tired of everything.i tryed everything and nothing worked .