8/26/2024 Pain

Everyone is in pain, baby. Every day you're in pain. You gotta' love your pain. The world doesn't wait to account for your weakness. I've been in pain every single day of my life. I haven't had a single day without pain my entire life. Whether it's spiritual, emotional, or physical. Pain keeps you aware, reminds you that you're alive. People who avoid pain avoid awareness. Notice it. Pain reminds you that you're alive, you only leave pain behind when you finally die. That's why everyone well off hates pain so much, and chase all these pointless things like wealth, fame, etc. A different kind of desire to be remembered, one of vanity and not of purpose. They're not really living, so in a way, they're chasing death. A living death. It's funny how the world punishes everyone. They're never satisfied, never get what they want, the world never gives it. Maybe it was a puff of smoke, never there. Almost comically unaware that they'll never be happy. The world doesn't give anyone what they want, unless they allow it to give them what they need. Everybody wants to be loved, but not many people want to love. So I love my pain, it reminds me that everything has a cost. 

When I was born, I drowned in the amniotic fluid. I was sick often as a child, my childhood, I'd rather leave that out. The past few years I've been sick with chronic sinusitis. I was too poor when I was 19 to go to the doctor for an infection. I harbored it for 4 months before I gave in and went to urgent care, 50 dollars to be back to normal. Since then I've been sick nearly every month until the past year. I got punched in the face at a Vein show and two days later a polyp came out when I blew my nose. Since then it's been bi or even tri-monthly. Recently I gave birth to two more twins after a wicked viral infection.

I came back from Jiu Jitsu and was blowing my nose, and it got me thinking about all of this. I remembered in February of 2023 my nose bled every single day, multiple times. I think about the painlessness of my death, when I was 17. When I let go, I remember thinking, 'At least I'm not a virgin but really? Like this? I just got here. Well, there's nothing else I can do.' Never been so happy to be in pain when I woke up in the hospital. Couldn't feel my left hand for months. Was pissing blood and brown. I don't fear death but when it naturally comes it won't be so bad. I just hope it won't be for a long while. Sometimes you grasp a point and it disappears, I feel like I don't even deserve to talk about the world like this, I haven't even suffered myself that much. Every night for a while I'd choke, wake up. Finally sleeping and breathing well these past few days, but it all reminds me that I'm dying, we're all dying. To live is to die, and dying is living. I'm worried I forgot my point, or maybe my point is pointless. I remember in the shower I think the sentence, "The world doesn't wait to account for your weakness." led to something. Maybe I was thinking about how wallowing in your pain is forgetting to live. I love my pain, every muscle ache, every cut, every tear, every sigh. Funny, I sighed after I wrote that.