26/08/20XX - underfed

the more this year goes on, the more off put i feel about my family. i feel like ive really sqeezed the shit out of the family stuff in the blogs, but i should just round it off now and explain my (hopefully) last few realisations about my parents.

after hells week, i vowed to myself i would never be honest with my parents again. but that wasnt actually the first time i made that promise, i just came back and really meant it after hells week. at the start of this year i was in melbourne for new years and all i could think about was how much i didnt trust my parents and my friends or people in general. so when i came back home to see my mum had moved my entire bedroom without me asking or knowing, and when i rightfully got mad cuz this has been a repeated thing over and over for years AND id been thinking about how much i dont trust people anymore. she told me "you dont deserve to be able to dictate how your room is anymore."

when i didnt back down from the fact i hadnt actually done anything wrong, she had a full meltdown in her room that i could hear from the backyard. my dad just sent me to my grandmas so i didnt have to deal with it. once i came back, i asked my dad if i could stay at my grandmas tomorrow and he said i needed to "clear the air with her". i grabbed my phone and saw she sent me a bunch of messages. it was a really different apology than her normal one. shed usually say something like "i know your upset but i was just trying to to xyz, i thought youd like it! you have to understand, i was yap yap yap blah blah blah". never ever a "im sorry." in there. but this one was very weird. she was blaming herself, but not in a taking responsibility way. like a woe is me type way. like "im such a terrible mother!!!!!!! urrr i hit my head on your bed.... karma.."

and im not sure why i did this. but it felt right. i forgave her, but not really. i messaged her saying i forgave her and she immediately acted like nothing happened. i sent that message knowing i was lying. i felt sick seeing her come into my room. i remember that night i looked through all my diaries to see how long this had been going on. i was so terrified. and i told myself i was going to stop trying with my mum. but i guess overtime i thought that i was just overreacting and decided to ditch that idea.

until hells week. 

and even though i knew i had been gaslit during that week i didnt wanna admit it to myself. but after telling a few people and them saying i had been gaslit, that made me take the leap to admit i had. but honestly, it wasnt that surprising. but at the same time i was...?? i dont know. i just wasnt shocked by it, i guess. and one of the people i know even asked if i wanted to cut off my parents when im older. and after thinking about it and feeling this huge calming sensation when thinking about it, i said yes. if they dont stop, yes. and somehow that wasnt even a shock to me.

what did shock me was me coming to the realisation that my mum was a narcissist. 

i was watching some video about this girl who got cheated on by her bf who she gave her kidney to. in the video she got back with him and he says she needs to forgive him quicker. in the comments someone said this 

""not forgiving fast enough" oh no girl, your boyfriend is a narcissist :("

and my first thought to myself was hey, that kinda sounds like something my mum said on the second day of hells week. 

"after we told you that none of it was true and that you were spreading false rumours you shouldve apologised to us immediately. but instead, you acted like you didnt care. that is not normal."

so i did some research. and well, lets just say the signs lined up TOO well. and thats what shocked me, and honestly scared me. shes a covert narcissist, thats why i couldnt figure it out for so long. because its so hidden under care. i was so nervous for days. i told my two therapists, and they didnt really say yes or no. which is what theyre supposed to do, btw. but it kinda made me feel like i was wrong cuz i wasnt getting a yes. but i told some friends of mine and they agreed that i was right, so i feel less scared!  

now, back to the actual more fun stuff. 

i got a 3ds recently! and im SO happy with it, especially after homebrewing it. ive been playing lots of tomodachi life, new leaf, majoras mask and earthbound! kinda annoyed that thirdtube doesnt work atm, but yt on the browser kinda works? the fyp doesnt so you have to look up what you want. its still annoying though. i also got pretendo so i can have more streetpasses and i can use miiverse!! so... if u want my friend code u can hit me up lolol

also i figured out how to put movies n stuff on on the 3ds using cias!

ive been reading the tf2 comics and theyve been so entertaining! i cannot explain how much i love pyro. theyre perfect. hes my lil baby. ive been playing bits of tf2 on the weekend and i swear to god im getting worse at the game suddenly. im still super shy but im getting better i think? yesterday i joined a random ass lobby and two guys started screaming at each other in voice chat and look i really need to fuckin emphasis how i DONT play fps games and i havent really been all that invested in any fps game communites ever. but ive heard so many jokes about cod voice chats being hell so i prolly just needa grow thicker skin lol

i also have been playing half life for the first time! like i said i got all the valve games on the steam sale in a bundle, so im playing the first half life atm. its honestly so much fun! i kinda cant take it seriously lol. like i laughed my ass off when one of the scientists was following me and was saying something super casually when suddenly he started chocking and just fell to the ground and died LMAO. and the mf who fell off the elevator lol. also i didnt realise the "are you seriously watching porn by yourself?" meme was a half life reference. 

alright heres some photos i took of my 3ds!