ghosting

the result of my attempt at dating was.... a great big ghost of everyone i talked to. i don't think i'm cut out for dating. i've realized that i need a LOT more alone time than most people do, which results in many, many unanswered messages on my part. even though i explained to everyone i talked to that i can be distant, i don't think they really understood the extent. i'm just. not good at this. there was one person who i was super excited to talk to, but i even struggled to reply with them. they're the only person i plan to message back because i only i only had 1 or 2 conversations with everyone else.

i know it's looked down upon to not respond to people, but with that short of a connection i honestly don't feel guilty. they never met me in person, never saw my face, never heard my voice, and just generally never got to actually know me, so i don't feel like i owe anything, really. i feel more guilt typing this out and admitting it. i know it's immature to ignore people, but i imagined being on the other side: i personally would prefer someone ghost me after one conversation to them giving a specific reason or saying they're not interested. so i wondered: how i should know what other people prefer?

i don't know... i had no idea i was *this* averse to talking with people, and i still don't really know why i'm like this. it probably has something to do with trauma, but isn't that just an excuse? i feel dejected.