oh wow [vent vent, tw i think]

It never happened. It didn't happen. We never saw it so it didn't happen. We would've known if it happened. It never happened.

It hurts so much , it does  , it does hurt. 

Now I know it's better to pretend it never happened.

but sometimes. I see others sharing their story. And I hate to see myself relating so much to it. My heart aches so much that it physically hurts, I wish I could have saved you, I wish someone could have saved you, I wish i could have loudly loudly screamed when you couldn't.

It hurts. It does hurt. It really does hurt.

It gross. So gross. It's all so gross. 

It's gross. I hate it, I really do. 

But it doesn't count, does it. Because I was too young. To express how I felt. And the words I said didn't get through to your head. 

It just...passed from your left ear to your right, it was just another Saturday for you, right?

It doesn't matter. I didn't matter.

It wasn't real because you decided it wasn't. It doesn't count. It's not. 

It was just

nothing, I guess.

I can still feel it sometimes. When I'm trying to sleep. When I'm trying to read. Or cook. Or When I'm trying to type away at my laptop. Or when I'm trying to draw. Or when I'm trying to shower. When I sit on the toilet seat. When I put on my clothes. When I try to look in the mirror.

When I try to live my life. I can't help but sometimes suddenly remember. 

'Oh.'

and I get that same sickly feeling. 

It's all so gross. 

I really do hate that feeling, I really do, I don't like it at all, I really don't.

'Get it off.'

'It's not real'

I'll simultaneously tell myself. 

It's upsetting. I wish no one had to go through this. But this is life, it's not always going to tilt in your favour.

Sometimes I just wish. I could be a doll. Maybe that way, I wouldn't mind. And it wouldn't hurt so much to be played with. Because that's what dolls are for, aren't they? 

If I were a doll, maybe all of this wouldn't have hurt me as much. 

Sometimes I find myself a scared little child again, and at those times, are the times I want to become a doll the most.

Because dolls are unbothered by such things, and they don't care about how you toss them or cradle them or play with them or stroke or pull their hair. They're just dolls. 

Of course, I'm a human. But I still can't feel like if I were a doll, it'd not hurt as much. 

Anyway, goodbye. If you've read this far, for whatever reason, thank you. And have a good day. Please try not to worry about it too much, there are still many good things in the world. I'm only wishing to share my feelings and experiences, and if you find yourself relating, I am so, so sorry. I really am. 

Again, goodbye, and have a good day.