My entire childhood is a fucking lie..

So, I know life really fucks us over, and our parents mistakes don't help - but I beg your crispy creme fucking pardon did I do in another life to deserve this shit?

For my entire 32 years on this planet, I haven't been able to piece together the broken memories I have ( due to trauma, brain damage, abuse and neglect I can't remember most of my childhood ) and it's messed me up quite a bit.

Nothing made sense and I struggled with trying to understand who I was and who I am now.

Until I met my Fiancé. Through some weird circumstance, our paths were laid out years ago and we finally met.

She's the type of person that can light up a room. I'm grateful to have finally met someone that genuinely cares about me - enough to ensure I get the medical care I need. To sit with me while I'm having a bad day and just help to distract my mind.

Since meeting her, I'm on a path to making myself a better person. Not for just myself, but for her.

Getting to the point, she's helped me to piece together some of my childhood. She likes to go on rabbit holes - I won't go into too much detail, but that woman is amazing at finding information.

I found out through her amazing detective skills, that my Mother lied ( which if you've followed this blog from day one, you know that my Mother is a malignant narcissist ) about everything.

Learning that my Mother lived down in Florida multiple times, not just once as she told us, but repeatedly. There are records dating back to me being an infant of her moving down to Florida, my medical records.

She had aliases, even had one for me. My Mother was dating a heroine addict at the time, and decided it was smart to help him run from child support payments from his ex-wife.

They moved from state to state, completely forgetting that when you put in a change of address it makes it very easy to track you down.

Now I understand why we moved so much. Why my childhood was never stable.

I'm apparently the poster child for extremely fucked up. I understand a fraction of why I react the way I do to affection. That emotional numbness, the empty feeling in my chest...

It's fucked up to do that to a kid.