the inevitable blog post about dating

well, there was bound to be a blog post where i vent about my love life eventually, right?

i live in a place with a weird age demographic that skews towards older people, and being a 22 year old, i find it hard to talk to people my age. it feels like every person who shows an interest in me annoys me in some way. ugh i recently talked to a guy who wouldn't stop talking about sexual topics and it just made me so apathetic about dating irl. and i don't even want to try with women because my state is well-known for being homophobic. 

soooo i attempted e-dating (gross, i know, i know). and although i've found it a bit more pleasant than having to go through shitty irl dates, it's still been tricky for me. i'm a rather cold person, i need a lot of space, the list goes on but let's just say i have a lot of 'debuffs' when it comes to marketability or whatever you want to call it. when people are too clingy, i instantly lose all desire to talk to them, when people talk over me or don't let me get a word in, i would rather ghost them. i'm already bad at talking to people, so all of this makes me uncomfortable. what i'm looking for in a person seems more like a work of fiction than an actual person. i think i sound like a total asshole, but the truth is that i'm too much for most people. i carry so much baggage that most people can't keep up with. ahh i don't know, i'm a difficult person and well, at least i can acknowledge that much. 

it's definitely been good for me to talk to new people and have these nice conversations. buuut, it just makes me feel worse when i inevitably lose interest or hit a mental roadblock. augh i can't figure out whether it's a net positive or negative. i feel completely awful if i inconvenience anyone or make them feel bad/let down...

i've identified as asexual for a long time, recently i've been questioning whether or not i'm aromantic too... i've had crushes on people irl, usually people who are sort of out of my reach or already in a relationship... but even when my feelings are reciprocated, i get scared and lose interest. ahh i've had terrible experience with love in my life; i wonder if my brain is just wired to be averse to such things now. it feels like maybe i'm more interested in the idea of love/relationships than actually pursuing one myself. i think i'm just making myself sad by trying. i'm sure there are good ways to let people down easy, but it's so hard when you can tell they care about you more than you do them. i hear people say that people like me should stay out of the dating world because it's unfair to other people, but isn't it also unfair to expect people to always reciprocate your feelings and level of dedication? i really don't know. it feels bad to give up on it entirely too, but i'm not hopeful about my future love life. i wish it were easier.