Passionfruit

I finally made some art.

Well...I made a custom trinket phone case for myself and one for my friend. I also made a small embroidered patch of a strawberry Sonny Angel. I also started writing a book and writing poetry (I'm keeping both private for now). I also began playing my ukulele a little bit more. It kinda sucks though because I don't have my calluses anymore so it kinda hurts to play for a prolonged period of time. Also, as of July 10th 2024, I am now a signed model. I'm signed to SCE Agency and on August 14th 2024 (last week), I had my first official fashion photo shoot to start my portfolio. I had one of the worst acne breakouts of my life due to accidentally eating pork at hotpot 3 days prior, but other than that, It was so much fun! Once I got comfortable and got permission to be as weird and as creative and I wanted, it felt amazing. I'm getting my head shots next either by the end of this month or next. I'm so blessed and excited for everything God is bringing into my life, but with that being said, there are moments in which I'm watching videos or submitting my resume for a project where I feel out of place. Imposter syndrome. This isn't the first time I feel this way though to be honest. I felt it when I was in high school, I feel it in church, when I go to shows, I felt it when I got my first job, when I was studying to become a phlebotomist, when I got deported and had to live in Mexico, when I was an extra in my first movie, when I finally started working at my first hospital...I could keep going. I don't remember if I saw this on a tiktok or if I read it in a Facebook post or whatever, but it said that people who tend to go through Imposter Syndrome are people who were invalidated the most during childhood and maaaaannnnn that hit me like a truck. I want to stop blaming how I am on shit that happened in my childhood though. I feel like my biggest issue is that I'm always looking for the scapegoat, because for some reason I take comfort in the possibility that my issues with my self image and insecurities stem from something other than my laziness in not fixing them. I promise I've gotten better at fixing myself though! For example, instead of self-deprecating, I've started self-assuring. I'm a fake it til you make it type of person, so a while back I started faking confidence and faking a HEALTHY amount of self vanity and lemme tell ya, it's done wonders for my self esteem. There are times where I do need to check myself and not think of myself TOO highly. Consider this type of internal/self fixing, The Landlord's Special. It doesn't quite fix the problem, but it sure as hell makes things look a bit better to whomever walks by. Yada yada yada yadaaa I feel like I'm rambling. Anyway don't do drugs.