I want friends #1

I want people. I want to communicate. i want to have true friends. I hat efeeling like a stray dog even with my closest friends. I know i shall value the connection i have with them and i actually do but do they too? Do they value me? I mean, yeah, they are so cool and nice but... Do they actually need me to talk to them? Or they just pity me because i have no one exept them? i dont know//' aaah can i just stop overthink every damn thing? It happens only after my hangouts with them. Was i too enthusiastic or talked too much? Was i looking weird and did my outfit looked fine? Or did i talked too much? I cant even talk to them properly because the 2 of my best friends are each other besties. Like... they always with each other. they fit perfectly just as 2 puzzle pieces/ And it makes me feel like a fucking 3rd piece wanting to chime in desperately knowing too damn well we are from different parts of puzzle. Or like a dumb kid trying to solve a puzzle not knowing that some pieces are ate by a dog.

They are as weird as me, they like gory stuff and not judging but... Im replaceable. Its so damn childish and immature to feel that way, i know. But i cant help myself. It hurts understanding over and over again that they have dozens of other friends who can be even more smart, prettier and interesting than me. I want to ignore it and open up with them and be myself, be a normal fucking human being.

I feel like they judge me for hanging out with my 3rd best friend because she...ugh. fuck how to type it. Immature. Childish and dumb. Wat can i do when i feel safe only with people dumber or less "awarn" than me? I can be free and open up with her because shes just like a 5yo kid nodding and supporting me constantly whatever shit i tell. She has potential in her... Twisted potential. Thats why i continue talking to her. I think i can reveal it in her. But i hate it so goddamn much when we go on walk all together, just us 4. I can only talk to one person when im hanging out with someone. I cant pay attention to all of them so when me and these to bffs are on walks im mostly silent becasue i cant even say a word. they have inside jokes they dont care to tell me, events that they discuss and only happened with them...UGHHHHH. It feels even more wrong when i realize im repeating "shut up...shut up.." in my head over and over again when i with them. They are like...my friends andi shouldnt think like that. ow

But... When i finish 9th grade in next year i will fucking leave this goddamn hellhole school and these bitches... I will be alone and will never talk to them again!! FRIENDSHIP IS LIE. I TRIED. MORE THAN FEW TIMES. YOU ALL DIDNT FUCKING CARE.

all my attempts at friendship were foolish and never worked since when i was little. I was always 4th, 6th or 10th NEVER ONE NEVER NEEDED. fuck it. I got death threated, ghosted, ignored by those who were valuable for me. By those who i had called my friends. FUCK MANKIND IM JUST ANOTHER TEENAGE LOSER

TALK TO ME SOMEONSEFDGTTRRRRRRRRRRRE