healing is not linear

fear seems to run my life lately. 

- i won't be healed fast enough for them

- i am undeserving of love and respect

- my ideas and my thoughts don't make sense

- i can't do it

- i'm not good enough

i'm more than aware that my self-love has taken a massive toll since last year. everyone says that awareness is where it starts... but what comes after? how do you fix something like this?

i have another writing prompt for self-love. maybe that'll help... we'll see.

Right now, what my body needs most is _______.

TW: ED

nutrition. i could say that i need rest, but in reality, that's just a way to escape my problems and avoid thinking about everything. sleep is the only escape from anxiety that isn't as destructive as substance. but i've been neglecting my body's other needs too. 

i used to work out until i collapsed as a way to hurt myself. i called this "productive pain", but it was never productive. i never fueled my body properly so that something could actually come out of it. i still catch myself doing that often, just not in the same way. 

i still sometimes catch myself using food as a punishment or reward instead of a necessary part of life. maybe healing starts with loving myself enough to give my body nourishment.