Someone left a discord server because of me [12/8/2024]

So I'm in this small art server on discord right 

And like a couple days ago I was having a convo w someone, ended up randomly talking ab therapy , let's call the other person Rock. I was like ya fine you can talk w family n friends but professional help is different, therapists are equipped to deal w what u tell em, ppl close to you could feel a lot of weight n pressure n stuff from the things u tell em yk 

Cus like ok talking but traumadumping is different and I have been the one to traumadump and the one traumadumped and it's not good for neither of the parties involved 

N he was like oh I had good professors in HS that helped me and oh this is what family is for, not romantic love but sacrificial love 

So we would go back and forth w this, each with their own view 

I didn't tell him but tbh I don't like "sacrificial love" thingy? I don't think your family should destroy themselves to help you, I don't think they should sacrifice themselves, there's always this weird romanticization of parents doing anything and everything but I feel like that's reducing people to just their roles? Idk that's bigger thing 

Anyway so back and forth n then he's like gtg back working on my thing 

Convo changes, I'm talking to another person, Rock sends this message 

Actually ykw im tired of having conversations like this where I try to be a pleasant person and you @soup ((((he tags me)))) treat me and everyone else like trash. Im leaving this server. I have tried countless times to be nice and to be respectful, and have recieved nothing but nastyness from you. I dont need this anymore in my life. Goodbye, I hope you learn how to be a nice person eventually.

And I was like. Uh? N another person present was like I think you (referring to me) got misunderstood 

And in all of this I'm saying like" oh I'm sad he perceived things that way idk maybe sometimes I'm too sarcastic I wasnt trying to be rude in the previous Convo" meanwhile I'm fucking freaking out cus oh here we go again, here I fuck up again, the skin is cut, I'm exposed, I treat people bad, I can't seem to learn how to be a nice person, I can't seem to be able to be better, I always slip back into being bad. Am I unredeemable. When have I started being this way. And why can't I stop. There onto me. They saw me. They saw the real me. They saw how I disgusting I am. I got caught again. I fucked up again. 

And I didn't talk too much ab it in the server cus I didn't want to. And the less I talk the less there's chances that others will recognize it. Recognize my behavior. Read that message and be like "damn he's kinda right". Realize I'm disgusting. They can't. I can't keep running. I have to maintain friendships. I can't live alone and I need to find a way to not hurt others. Probably not because I care about hurting, but because I don't wanna be alone again.

Next day, one of ppl in the server, the one that was like "maybe he misunderstood you" sent me screens. Of the private chat between him n Rock. I wish he didn't. Cus I don't wanna know more ab what rock thinks. Cus I don't wanna know how much of my disgusting side he figured out. 

Rock: "sorry for everything about leaving the server. Soup is just annoying whenever I try to talk to them, self absorbed and being straight up rude to me"

Fuck.fuck.fuck. I got caught. He did figure me out. Fuck. How many times will this happen. Why can't I stop it. Why cant I not be this way. Why cant I change. Why am I like this.

2 person: "i dont think soup is trying to be mean or rude to you specifically, you shouldn't let it get to you" 

specifically? So I am being mean? Get to you? How many ppl see this. How many ppl have figured it out. What do they actually think of me. Do they talk about me in private. Fuck.fuck.

Rock: "maybe youre right"

2: "this is just how soup talks all the time" 

do they always see me as mean? Do they always see me as rude? Have I been find out long ago and everyone has just never talked about it? 

Rock: "Idk what they were goin on about with the therapy. I was like "yeah my family loves me yadayadayday" and soup is like "REEE THERAPY" Like having a conversation with a brick wall "

2: "I mean both of you delivering your opinion, it went through and got a reply from other person, im not saying one of you is right it just you guys have different perspective on a topic thats all, you dont have to agree with what soup said and soup dont have to agree with what you said. so please dont take it too personally ###"

I didn't know what to say. I was like "wtf" "it's his right to perceive the situation that way" and it ended there.

Am I even allowed to be sad. Am I even allowed to cry. Would they be crocodile tears. I did this. This is my fault. I'm being hurt by the realization that they saw through me. That I am mean. That I am rude. I've hurt myself. Once again. Like all the other times. How long will it take. For the rest of the server to say these things. I can't talk to them. I would be acting like the victim. I'm not the victim. It's my fault. And the more I talk to them the more they will realize. The more they'll also be sick of me. And they will get rid of me. And I'll be alone again. I can't. 

I wish I was a different person. Because I can't seem to change what I am now. 

Maybe deep down I like it that way. Maybe deep down I'm okay w being like this and I don't want to change. And the only one who's able to emerge from the deep waters it's someone tired of being this way. Someone who feels like a victim. Someone who feels doomed. Maybe I just convince myself I don't like it. To be at peace and not actually think I'm the worst and content with being the worst. 

And it's all a facade. The real one is deep in the waters where light doesn't reach. And they control me from there. They're there. And without that light they can't be seen. Only this facade that I am is. 

Where are you, real me. Why don't you take control. Why did you create me. swim up. end this.