love

I've been single my whole life. And a phrase I have heard maybe one too many times throughout this experience is:

"you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else"

I don't know if the words are meant to be used as motivation, or a warning. I do know it's ironic.

It almost feels like the message is "don't seek the love of others when you need it the most."

It made sense, and then it didn't, but I guess I get it much more now.

I left a whole life behind, alone, to seek some sort of fulfillment. I told everyone "I want to live a more joy-centered life," and honestly that was super vague.

I didn't know what I meant, but I trusted I'd find out.

I've lived. I've worked. I've met so many lovely people. And I feel like I'm getting closer to finding out what I meant when I left.

I've spent a whole year of my life with myself. Trying to really figure out what I wanted. And slowly but surely I started piecing it together. I started to really get to know myself. I started to really understand what motivated me. By trial and error I found out what worked and what didn't. 

I've realized I subconsciously made decisions that hurt me. I decided not to do those things anymore. I've realized I was curious about some things. So I decided to figure them out. I realized I was afraid of many things, but I've realized the fear would get me nowhere.

Little by little those little actions I've committed to helped me learn so much about who I truly am. I've discovered things I didn't even know about myself. And as the saying goes, "to be seen is to be loved."

I read somewhere that self esteem is essentially the gap between who you are and how you see yourself. I made it a mission to get my self-esteem in check. And that included having to really look myself in the eye and accept it. To own every flaw, but also every strength.

I've made closing this gap a priority of mine and the closer I get the more I start to understand what it means.

"You must love yourself before you can love anyone else,"

Once you love yourself you understand how to love and be loved. Where to extend your graces, where to set your limits. How you should be treated and how to treat someone else. Once you hold yourself in your own embrace you understand truly how it feels when you mean it.