yeesh what the fuck (vent)

tw for ed shit, possibly other stuff

its been a minute since i updated. everything is pretty fucking nuts right now. i spent the last three days straight basically just in bed, or drinking,, or both. ive finally hit burnout i think. its been like over a month straight of doing everything nonstop and everyone else around me is just falling apart. i tend to be the friend that people tell everything to the most, and dont get me wrong, i love being that place for people. but it gets to be a lot after a while when everyone is having major serious issues that youre well past your limit to handle and youve barely put yoursel first in so long. 

this is a super weird point in my life because how im doing really depends on the angle youre looking from. on one hand i have my favorite person in the world back, and we work together. and i love my job and we get paid well. i have the freedom to do whatever i want basically. i finally got my name legally changed and im in the process of finally getting hormones for myself but thats also the part where the other hand comes in. things coming up so much dosnt come without downsides and risks,, fears.

hormones is a big one because my relationship with my body and my pain is super complex. all ive ever wanted was to be comfortable in my skin and ive struggled a lot because of that. i worry a lot almost about what ill be "losing" when i finally get to be free, which is a very contradicting statement i know. what i mean tho is, and im sure im not the only ones whos felt this way, dating and sex as a trans or gnc person is terrifying and very hard. over the years especially from being in a small town 9/10 times im with somebody i have to invalidate myself in some kind of way for their comfort. i often end up with closted or just experimental bi guys who kinda look at me as a stepping stone or a way they can "try it out" and just lie to themselves after if they get too afraid. and while t will finally make me feel like my body is my own, i know i will lose a lot of the only "validation" i can get. it makes me feel undesirable, to be myself. in fact over the years ive kindof just grown into this being who i am to people. i dont know how to do it any other way. the only time ive fucked someone who was fully gay and saw me before my body it honestly made me more upset because of how he acted towards my body. he tried, and i appriciated that but at the end of the day i cant force someone to want something they dont want. im comfortable sitting at that weird in between for people.

and i know this is an extremely disordered mindset but i feel like my only saving grace to still be desirable was if i wasnt fucking fat anymore. i remember how differently i was treated when i was smaller and how much i could still probably get away with the rather invalitating shit i would do if i was still pretty to some degree, still nice to look at. and that brings us to where i am now, drinking to stay afloat and not getting out of bed in fear that ill relapse. if i become anorexic again it will ruin my life. everything good that i have will disappate and i know that because it happened before. but i cant bear this feeling anymore, i cant let myself be looked at. not by anyone even myself i feel disgusting. and this is no way to live, i have no idea where to turn. maybe thats just me finding comfort in this hell. and maybe i dont wanna be with anyone who likes me when im not skinny bc somehow i find that not only insulting to me but insulting to them.

this war on my body is endless and even when i win.. i lose.

i dont know if loving myself and being worthy of others is ever something that can coexist.

i want to focus more on the pros of things right now and all the good hormones will bring but its hard. i know ill be more focused on my body for the time being and in my darkest moments the only thing i could do to keep myself eating properly was just,, not,, think,, about,, it. out of sight out of mind yk. i dont want to relapse, i dont think i could survive that again but at this point i feel backed into a corner.

and it dosnt help that literally all my friends are fucking skinny and hot and have partners or at least people theyre talking to and all that does is remind you how no matter how much people say they see you no different. they still see you. its hard for them not to see you, theres so fucking much of you. and you know how much different it would be if you were their size because you were and you fucking had it all. i dont ever want to be looked at again.