Friday morning

It was a night of tossing and turning for me. Not necessarily sleepless, but dreamless, the kind of sleep where you assume by waking that you had fallen asleep at some point but it didn't feel restful. I came back from the bathroom feeling awake, but my eyes still heavy as lead while my mind was ready to start the day. I kissed my lover next to me. We kissed softly and sweetly, our tongues pressing up against each other's in between our lips parting. We had sex. The kind of sex that is wanted, not needed. There was no groping, no gasping for each other. Just a closeness, like how it usually is in the morning, a sweetness to it that only comes from the desire to hold your lover as near to you as humanly possible. I still couldn't sleep afterwards.

I decided to go to the living room to read. I knew the man in my bed would have no trouble falling asleep again without me in his arms. I should have figured I wouldn't be able to sleep. The day prior I felt a familiar heaviness. I wanted to cry all day, and little things like a song or seeing a pigeon bobbing around, unable to pinpoint its next move almost did. I am no stranger to sadness, but recently it hasn't been too prevalent. It's been creeping up on me though, like the sheet of rain you see from across a body of water. Sunny on the beach that you lay, but dark and foggy in the distance.

I figured it had rained in the night. Droplets hung on the telephone wire outside the living room window like a diamond necklace. When it was light enough to read outside with a cigarette, I confirmed it was in fact raining. The kind of rain that sounds like music. It came down randomly, creating a rhythm as some droplets hit the ground heavier than others, uneven. I've been smoking a lot recently. Something I know I could stop if I really wanted to, but it's been so hard to will myself to do anything. I can feel it getting easier though, there isn't a constant tug-of-war between what I know I need to do and the paralyzing loafing my body craves. The heaviness sits thick in my throat though. It was foolish to think that it wouldn't come back, yet I was still disappointed, though not surprised.

How funny it is to be in charge of your own destiny. I have never won the battle over my emotions. They hold onto me like a cowboy tightly holding the reins of his horse, guiding it swiftly and controlled. I'd like to fancy myself a cowgirl. Someone who holds their freedom above everything else. I like my choices to be my own, though I know that's not the case. Once I feel the reins slipping out of my hands and the power shifting, there's nothing I can do.

I will try to sleep now. My eyes are heavy, burning to be shut. I just can't lie there idly though, when there's so much going through my head I can't will my body to be still. But I will go back to bed, slip between the sheets into the arms of my lover. Feel him hold me securely, but not tightly. His touch is substantial enough to reaffirm its presence, but not overbearing. I like that. I will try to sleep before I have to wake again in about an hour to work, when I won't feel so burdened, so weighed down. Deep breaths, reset, calmly walk into my room and melt into the bed. Let the white noise come over me like the duvet and quiet my thoughts.