Sadness n mental health

God my mental issues rlly do get worse in summer.

It feels almost like EVERYONE wants to abandon me. 

i only hear the cicadas out of my window and i'm staring at the ceiling, while i think about how boring my life is. 

i wish i had someone to stare the night sky with, while looking at the stars; i would recommend them books and they would recommend me some music. 

All of this, until the summers end. 

And i forget about the sea, the hot days, the sounds of people I've known since childhood having fun in the public pool as i glance briefly at them from afar, while, timid, i'm hiding myself in the shadow, under a tree, on that little hill I've seen again and again. 

Yes, the summer will end, i still have to study math while the others can have fun. I envy them, i envy the fact that they actually have friends that live close to their house, so they can hang out often. 

Once the hot season's over, i will get back to my art school. 

i will draw bodies, i will excercise in chiaroscuro, i will paint, once again. All of this for a whole fucking day. And then, i can disappear from my classmates as they happily chatter.

What to talk about? Everytime i open my mouth, it feels like they are making a joke of me, looking at me weird, almost mockering me with their eyes. i love them, but what to do to make this feeling drift away? 

i will sadly listen to some old rock or Indie melancholic band/singer with my earphones on the bus, while i'm dressed like a mix between a gyaru, a neopolitan ice cream, a coquette lana del rey diet coke Dior girly and a 2000's teen girl, as if i'm a character from class of 09... and why specifically Emily? 

In the end, it will all start again; homework, grades... rainy days, cold wind and the snow... not complaining about that one tho. 

i'm just... disappointed.