Curtain call | 7/8/2024

yes you guessed it it's about my fucking aunt again. yk ive heard some weeks ab how shes gonna have troubles paying in time my school stuff, which yk nothing knew at this point money troubles have their own space in my brain.

but then she comes in my room today being like "hey do you wanna escape a couple days yk just q quick thing at the end of the month" she has this thing of proposing stuff cryptically and then explaining later that i dont understand why she does it, maybe cus you give her permission to talk more ab it cus u cant figure out what the hell shes on about without more context and she takes that as you being open to the idea except no, youre not open to the idea, she hasnt fucking said what the idea is

Anyway she continues "just us, two days, in barcellona" oh of fuking course. It's summer, so she has to propose a trip to that fuckass city shes so obsessed with for some reason. Here we go again, just another play in the repertoire we performed a thousand times,we both know how it ends, yet she enters the stage and wait for my lines. But this summer I'm silent. And she doesnt get it, but the fucking repertroire is part of the reason why i got silent with her.

"just us, two days, in barcellona, at the end of the month, theres that cool show with the boats" she goes into her childish voice, the same one she uses to describe a funny dog video she saw. She's a fun of spain, and shes a fun of those fuckass boats races too. 

I shake my head like ive done for months. It means no. A no i dont care of giving voice to cus it's wasted energy on any discussion with her. I know the scripts. She ignores the "no" until you become erratic and scream it in her face like a wild animal. You have to make your character the badguy in the play to have some peace.

And theres so many things i could say to motivate the no. I dont care about barcellona. I dont care about travelling. The last time i took an airplane i didnt have troubles with anxiety or panicking, i dont know how ill feel. I get airplane sickness and i hate it. I dont wanna go somehwere for two days with you. The planning mood alone she puts herself in makes me never want to travel with her. But she never hears my motivations.

"it's just gonna be a couple of days you can do your own thing, it's just to not go alone, dont make me have to go with that annoying one, i swear i wont bother you" 

A couple things. What is "doing my own thing" supposed to mean? Oh sure shes not forcing me to look at boats, i can just wonder around a very big fucking city withere they speak another fucking language completely alone. To do what exaclty. Go where. Oh shes giving the hamster the opportunity to go around the room in the little bowl for some hours, how generous. I definetly wouldnt get my things stolen in the first 30 minutes of walking around in fucking barcellona looking like a tourist. 

Second thing "that annoying one" does have a name, but her list of friends it's so short i perfectly know who that's supposed to be. A woman she has been friends with for i dont know how many years, on and off, every couple of months she fuking hates her and says shes done with her bullshit and then the next week i can hear them talking on the phone again, as she promises "this time im not gonna get closer. Theyre incompatible, bad for eachother but they keep being friends in a strange and toxic way. Shes also a friend that accompandied her many times in the past on trips.

interesting use of the word "dont make me" like im forcing her to do anything at all. If she wants pizza but i dont feel like it, she doesnt want to get delivery for one single pizza so it becomes me not letting her have pizza beause i was cruel enough to not be hungry. 

Oh she doesnt wanna be alone. Like i would be, in some random hotel room with my phone and a book id bring with me and thats it. Sounds appealing. I wouldnt eat for a period of time in case i get plane sickness, i wouldnt sleep even with my melatonin gummies cus id be in a unfamiliar place. To be somehwere i have no interest in being.

Oh and she swears she wont bother me. She says that often. For a lot of stuff. That she ends up doing anyway. Long ago i stopped believing when she says these things.

During this whole monologue she started, ive shaken my head in a "no" since i heard "Barcellona" yet she keeps talking, and as she does, i open the spotify on my computer and her voices goes in the backgrouns, her words hard to hear. And as the song end and another one begins quietly, i catch a "i cant do another year with you silent like this im warking you" before she finally leaves. 

I talk, i listend, i get frustrated, i get mad, she plays the part of the wounded victim that did nothing wrong, she leaves i get tired.

I dont try to talk, i fill my ears with something else while waiting for the door to close, she gets mad, she plays the part of the wounded victim that did nothign wrong, she leaves, i get tired.

I learnt through them to either let the anger out, lash out, or give cold shoulders, go silent.

Nothing works. The results are the same, and the plays are repeated again and again and the curtain refuses to fall.