TW: serious topics (death/harming)

I was thinking about major life events I’ve had and stuff like that. So I just wanna write abt it. I’ve had three major “scares” in my life. These “scares” have been times where my mental health was so bad that I could barely function and then something happens that just pushes me off the edge. For example, my first scare was when I was going through a lot and I was doing my fathers laundry. He left a cigarette in his pocket and I washed his pants without checking them. All of the clothes were covered in cigarette pieces and I had to hand wash them in my tub. Everything reeked of cigarettes after. This event had affected me so much that I was a literal danger to others. I was so furious that I started destroying things. Thankfully, I went outside to let my anger out but I truly believe that if my dad was in the house at that time, something bad would’ve happened. And I’m not trying to say this in a “omg I’m so edgy and angsty” way. I quite literally was a danger to myself and others at that time. Another one of my scares was when I was so stressed out and my mental health was so bad that I felt like I had nothing to live for. One small thing happened that just made me lose it. I was taking the leaves apart looking for a necklace that I lost in it. And when I got back from school the next day, my neighbor raked it back up. I was so upset that I wanted to die. And that’s not normal for me. I love living and I am not suicidal. But that day I felt like I was gonna kill myself. I texted a friend abt it and they talked me out of it thankfully but that was the closest I’ve ever gotten to ending it all. The most recent time I’ve had a scare was last week. I am currently struggling with some mental health issues and I was cleaning my house. I don’t really remember much of it but I think I snapped because my house was gross. I was unable to think properly and was just sitting in my bed hyperventilating. I texted my friend and told her that I didn’t know what to do and that if I stay in this state any longer that I was gonna hurt myself. It took a long time to get out of whatever that was. I did not hurt myself. I am a lot better and I told my family about my problems. They are trying to help me the best they can but they cannot afford therapy for me. I was just confused on why I have such bad meltdowns. I consider myself a very happy person and I don’t think I have any mental illnesses but dang it sucks to feel that way sometimes. It is crazy how something so little can make me feel so strongly. But yea. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk :)