recovery (tw)

i'm in semi-forced recovery for my ed now, my boyfriend found out how bad it is and that ive been lying to him about how much i eat or even eating at all. i say semi-forced because i want to be healthy for him so that i can live a long time without him having to ruin his life because i'm bedbound or whatever. honestly, its hard. im so used to not eating, or when i do eat, only eating bread and red velvet cake as an omad, so i just feel so.. heavy. i feel awful, i'm exhausted too. i cant stop sleeping. when i wasnt eating i had so much energy, but now i cant even stay awake more than 3 hours at a time. its only day 2 and i feel miserable but i know it has to be done.

i guess he caught on because id say im not hungry, then complain 10 minutes later about being hungry, but refused to eat. also, because id get mad at everything for no reason (obvious hanger). i lost 3kg in a week, and 2 more in about 3 days, which obviously doesnt happen if you're eating enough. it feels a little weird being pulled out of spaces where people encourage eachother to get worse and to further harm themselves. but i guess it further proves he loves me. hes the first person ive had who didnt encourage my ed & actually tried to help me. hes scared of me dying and im scared of being put into inpatient. 

i keep denying i have an ed, but i am aware i have ednos. i say ednos because i guess im a restrict-purge type? i'm not sure what exactly that could possibly fit. it could be ana or mia but i dont feel like either of those fit me? i used to be binge-restrict, then binge-purge, but now im.. whatever this is.

i have mixed feelings on recovery, on one hand i know its the best for me in the long run, but on the other its scary because it's not what i'm used to. the closest ive ever been to recovered is having BED, which clearly still isnt good. like sure, i was eating, but i was on the opposite side of ana, instead of starving to death, i was eating myself to death. im happy to have him. yesterday i was mad that he wanted me to get better so badly because i keep convincing myself that i'm the exception, that i cannot end up dead like others do because... i guess im special enough that health effects dont impact me, i guess. i think everyone w an ed has that mindset, i dont think any of us are convinced that an ed could actually kill us but everyone else around us is scared that it will.

i dunno why im so stubborn against recovery, i dont care about losing weight anymore. i just dont wanna let go of my ed because its all i know.