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So basically, i have some friends who really want to have an intimate partner and while it's fun to make the "haha we're such virgins" jokes it's getting a bit... uncomfortable????? Not that my friends themselves make me feel like that at all, I just never really liked talking about sex or desiring a partner. It's been a year since i broke up with my gf and i think at this point i feel like i should desire something but... said desire is just not there. I'm still very damn sure i'm a lesbian but i'm having a hard time remembering if i ever actually enjoyed the intimacy part. It's not helpful at all that I have a shitty memory and forgot a good chunk of my relationship with my ex.
Idk I'm not sure i'm asexual, maybe i'm just simply not interested in sex atm but i don't know if this is normal. Once I read a paper about depression making people have less sex drive so maybe it's that, tho i'm not too keen on autodiagnosing myself with depression.
Maybe i should ask my psychologist about it but how does one ask that? "hey i think i may have depression"?. Also I would HATE myself if she asked why is that and i started to number shit i read online.
Anyways, I think my problem overall is that i'm spiraling down once again, I've gotten good at guessing when that happens, it's not as easy as "oh I'm idealizing suicide again" since I never actually stopped doing that, but more like "oh i'm actively looking for ways to kms". A (dangerously) fine line really.
It's all good tho i'm too much of a coward to actually pull the trigger. And the guilt would eat me alive, so i'm not going anywhere. But the constant fighting against the urge to just die that is so intrinsically tied to my own bones is tiring and, primarily, discouraging.
Guess I'll just do what i've been doing thus far (drawing) since it hasn't failed me yet.
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Zoseph
I am deeply sorry you are going thru this and I hope you receive some strength soon <3
"Love" is an umbrella term for a feeling that can be broken down into 3 main aspects: 'Attraction', 'Attachment', and 'Lust'.
Lust and Attraction govern sexual love and are fueled by pheromones that indicate health and age range as well as T and E levels in the body [which if below lvl for age range would also result in no attraction, bc body reflects pre pubescent stage] adrenaline (the feeling of wanting to chase/wanting to be chased), dopamine(also the surprise/laughter chemical, the want to learn more with them). The attraction phasal forms of love actually cause temporary drops in serotonin bc serotonin may cause you to be too content to be in the mood.
Attachment phase employs no adrenaline, the effects of bonding can and does mitigate the use for pheromones, while cause more serotonin and Oxytocin which funny enough of all these hormones that make up love they call Oxytocin the "Love Hormone". It is responsible for the "bonding" or "i miss you but not ur booty" feeling.
So consistent suicidal ideation/desire is a sign of depression - Not wanting sex is mostly a sign specifically in the context of "but normally it would make you happy and you would want it". I hope this info helped
Hi! It's been a hot minute. Sorry for not answering earlier, I did read your comment at that time and it left me thinking. You did help me a lot and i just wanted to say thank you so so much :"))
by Macha; ; Report