human behavior

for a long time now i’ve been studying human behavior, subconsciously or otherwise. it’s hard not to observe when you spend your whole life doing so rather than engaging. it fascinates me as much as it’s horrifying. i’m not trying to come off as if im this larger than life being, because i acknowledge i am human. being made human without the possibility of being human. 

i pick up on people’s habits and study them. you get an understanding, although it’s not personal. in school especially—despite the fact the whole ‘hierarchy’ stereotype has dissipated and died off with movies from the early 2000s, there will always be a subconscious hierarchy in our society. i’ve held onto the hope that someday people will live equally, side by side. it’s since been crushed by the weight of reality. i’m not disappointed, i only blame myself for having such unrealistic expectations. we’re all animals.. and eventually we’ll all die out. i don’t think we’re that different from animal kingdoms who operate through a hierarchical system. 

the way society works, you have to establish a divide between two groups. it becomes the “us vs them heuristic”. an ingroup and an outgroup. you associate yourself with a group to find belonging and feud with the opposition. “we’re good, they’re bad” but both groups fail to realize they’re the same. both bad because we are born rotten. the innate desire to install such groups is enough proof. discrimination is in our dna. we can adapt and change our views but at the end of the day we’ll always resort to turning on others to survive.

one of the first times i made this connection was in 8th grade when we read ‘Lord of The Flies’. the characters are all in the same situation yet they turn against each other under pressure. it’s silly to base your belief system upon fiction but fiction often reflects the ugly face of reality. i’m not very different, i can acknowledge that because the book is very popular for good reason. but.. the kids in my class couldn’t understand. they never did. they’d whine and complain how the book was ‘boring’. maybe i’m the one that reads into things too deeply.. i am neurotic. this happened again with the book ‘Flowers For Algernon’. again, my class despised the book by calling it ‘boring’ and they laughed at Charlie’s disability. they couldn’t understand.. that’s why we live in the society we do. if they understood, these books wouldn’t have to be made in the first place. 

we’ll always find a way to blame others instead of confronting ourselves. i mean, who wants to? people are so afraid of thinking deeper because of what they might find. i spent little time researching this psychological concept, but i know enough based off experience alone. i have more thoughts on this but i cant collect them currently.. im having difficulty putting them into words. i let emotion cloud my judgement, another human flaw i demonstrate. if i manage to organize my thoughts i’ll return to the subject in another entry. sorry for the disorganization.