womanhood

i hate my stupid, ugly body. i hate the way it gets me catcalled, i hate the way it makes me be objectified, i hate it all. from the highest tips of my hair, down to my feet. I hate my body. i feel that as a woman or rather afab person, i need to be feminine, i need to show off my body, because "i have been gifted a beautiful body and pretty curves" but i hate it. i hate how my body looks, i hate that its "conventionally attractive", but mostly, its attractive to men who ONLY care for my body, and not for me. i feel detached from my body, everytime i look into the mirror i feel like its a different person standing there, that its not me, even despite all the blemishes and mistakes i see.

i hate my body. without it, perhaps someone could treat me human, without constantly staring me up and down, as if waiting for me to expose myself even further. i feel disgusted whenever i shower, disgusted whenever i feel the tissue of my breasts on my chest whenever im crying late at night. i wish i could just be a being with no gender, that no one could see. i wish i wasnt able to be perceived, i wish my womanhood wasnt full of objectifying men and predators. yet, why do i feel myself longing for that at the same time? im not even attracted to men, yet the feeling of attention makes me melt. id be disgusted if a man tried to touch me, but why do i still want his attention? why, despite of the longing of disappearance of my body, i wish for someone to appreciate me just this once? i dont want to hate it, i dont want to think of myself as disgusting, i want to be appreciated for atleast one good thing. because, as much as i deny it, my body is my only good enough trait. not even my face, simply my body. i cant bear to look at my face for longer periods of time, and if i do, it all just twists to unrecognizable shapes and cries.

i feel wrong even typing this. im too scared of everything, too scared of being perceived the wrong way, too scared of being touched, too scared of being scolded for something i didnt mean to do. i feel like an attention seeker whenever i try to seek help, even if i know i shouldnt. but still, deep down, i cant bring myself to actually do anything with myself. deep down i accepted im unloveable, disgusting, pathethic and pointless, as in the eyes of most, im just a piece of meat to stare at, and yet whenever i voice my displeasure of this body, i get shut down. why do i hate this body? isnt this what everyone wants? what everyone is looking for? yet why isnt anyone looking for me? am i really that repulsive? i dont know. i dont know if i wish to know. i feel like on the brink of a breakdown, where one small step will make me throw everything away. no one will read this, itll be forgotten soon enough after i post it. itll be lost, like all my sorrows and cries. i feel like im always speaking into the void, with no one to truly listen, no one to truly care. sometimes i just wonder if im really that useful to this world